ode to goodberry's

If you haven't been to Goodberry's- you need to go!
My favorite flavor is, of course, chocolate!! YUMMERS!

You are the irresistibly smooth chocolate ice cream custard-
I know that you will be excruciatingly creamy as you fill my mouth;
That your flavor will be rich, deep- complex; and sweet.
Your icy-coolness will ease the need of my firey passion;
Each bite will raise desire for more, and I will question whether I've had enough when I'm done.

I'm plagued with a sense of urgency, because I'm afraid that I'm going to lose the opportunity; and if I don't take it- take it now, you'll melt in my bowl- instead of on my tongue.

poor kid

SEDUCE
–verb (used with object), -duced, -duc⋅ing.
1. to lead astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; corrupt.
2. to persuade or induce to have sexual intercourse.
3. to lead or draw away, as from principles, faith, or allegiance
4. to win over; attract; entice
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The poor little guy didn't stand a chance; and I forgot to think about my effect.
I was thrilled to be at the Olive Garden this afternoon with my gal-pals. I was totally being just me, hanging with the girls, preparing to eat well. I didn't think about how overwhelming I can be when I am purely happy: both disarming and alluring at the same time. It's the smile, the light in my eyes; the smoothness in my voice. I don't (often) do it intentionally; it happens naturally when I am happy, when I am the most comfortable to be me. My girls can handle it, they know what I am all about- they acknowledge my power more often than I myself am willing to acknowledge it.

He was mesmerized, this little kid who was our waiter; absolutely unable to keep his eyes off me. He even dared to wink at me at one point in a high-schooler-want-to-be-Casanova kind of way (surely this kid was NOT in college). I had to reign in the happy, the Jenny. I had to be careful when he came to the table: avoid eye contact. Put up the wall that protects the unsuspecting innocents from the torrent of my being. Be polite and kind, but not me.

Poor kid! I hope he didn't take it personally.

my crush

So, I thought I would go ahead and confess a serious crush-
and it isn't so much a crush now as it is a curious attraction...

I can't tell you the first time I saw the movie, but I do know that I was fairly young; and I do remember that I loved it. Have you seen it: The Labyrinth. I liked it so much that I would ask for it again and again when it was my turn to rent something from the movie store- my mom hated the fact that I loved it so much, and that I ALWAYS wanted to watch it.

You guys are gonna crack up (I can't believe that I am confessing this):
When I was little I had the biggest crush on the Goblin King, played by David Bowie. There was something about him that I liked; and now that I am older, I wonder what it was....could it have been David Bowie's voice (which I've carried preference for ever since), his hair style, his distinct makeup, his oh-so-fashionable costumes?

Now I think my attraction stems from a curious fascination of the character: he has an awe-ful, evil confidence that only seems to be fragmented by the young girl's defiance. Maybe I love:
1. the fact that he isn't omnipotent, that even with all his power, he can't control her
2. that he gives her the choice at the end
3. that she has the ability to make him feel vulnerable by just being who she is, and I like seeing a powerful man deal with his vulnerability

Hmmm...

I can tell you my favorite part of the movie- it remains a constant, no matter how old I am: the ball. And maybe that's the romantic in me, the girly-girl who can't help but fall all over a big party and a great dance. I love everything about the ball (well, except the end):
1. the costumes: I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful. I remember wanting to look just like her when I grew up and got married.
2. the decorations
3. the colors
4. the music: that remains one of my favorite songs to this day; a sense of the romantic washes over me and I feel like I am caught in the trance as well, and all I need is someone to dance with me
5. the way he eludes her, the way he watches her as she looks for him
6. their dance
7. and definitely the way she looks at him while they dance (and the way he looks at her): I have always wanted to be Sarah at that moment, and get my chance to dance with the Goblin King

(sigh)
Now that I've shared this deep-dark secret, I am going to leave you with the lyrics:
"As the World Falls Down" - David Bowie
As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

Falling
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love

sexy shoes

I went shopping with my mom today. We tackled the consignment shop arena; one in Chapel Hill and the other in Hillsborough. One of the first things I do when I go shopping is check the shoes. I have such a hard time finding shoes that fit, that are comfortable, that look good. It really is the bane of my shopping existence- the shoe thing. But I always look there first, in case....I am a hopeless optimistic.

No luck in Chapel Hill.
Everything was too small, too narrow; or surprisingly enough, too big.

Same story for the selection in Hillsborough- or so I thought.
After checking the shoes on the sales floor, I rummaged through the racks to find the amazing new additions to my closet that were just waiting for me to find them. And I found a few things that I will be rocking here and there- (have I mentioned that I LOVE consignment shops?)

And then, I found it. The pile of overstock shoes. Tons of shoes that can't fit out on the shelves on the sales floor. Shoes in all sizes. Shoes even in my side.

And what are those?
(Those are freakin' sexy awesome Latina shoes- IN MY SIZE!!)

Are they going to fit...nah, they will probably be too narrow.
(WOW! My foot just slipped in- no problem!)

Is the left shoe going to fit- probably not (left foot is slightly bigger due to ankle surgery).
(OMG!!! The left shoe fits well too!)

Can I walk?
(oh, yea! I don't just walk...I sashay.)

I told my mom: "I feel like I've picked up the sexy-shoe mantel from all the Hispanic women who've come before me. Like I am fulfilling my sexy-walk destiny."

We shared a giggle-
Because it is true (especially for someone like me who lives in flip-flops and Crocs).

As long as I'm not stumbling around like a drunkard, I will be making my heritage of Latina women proud; as long as I don't trip, you won't be able to keep your eyes off the sway of my hips.

evil one

She told him he was a good man.
And she believed it- through and through.
No matter what he was…is capable of- she was the evil one in this situation. She was under no delusion of that. She just can't seem to separate herself from the anger, the bitterness; and knowing this has set her blood aflame- do you know what it’s like to have liquid fire running through your veins- not a good feeling.

And she knows that she is perfectly ridiculous.
That reparations happen; that people grow up and move on.
But she can't seem to get over herself, and his lies.

Oh, yes, she is the evil one of the two in this equation.
And she hopes, for both of their sakes, that she can gain control over her emotions soon.

holding my own

I'm a fairly confident person; and if I am in a situation that overwhelms me, I bluff my way through it. If there's anything that I've had practice in- it's bluffing my way through life; that's a natural consequence of people thinking you are older than you really are, and having a smile that tends to disarm and distract people.

I can also- for the most part- size people up; a consequence of growing up in a single mom home. She wanted to make sure her little girl was aware of the people around her (particularly the men), so that nothing would happen without my being prepared for it. So, at this point, I consider myself a vibe reader. I feel people out, so that I know how to act (or protect myself); and for the most part, I tend to be right. Not all the time, but enough.

And so, I know if I can hold my own with someone or not.
Since I tend to be a force of nature with my emotions, if I am not careful I can easily overwhelm and bombard people- oh, yea, I can hold my own with most.

And then there are a few where our abilities are matched; and it is a give and take. Sometimes they win, and sometimes I win. And we mutually respect each other's presence and effect.

And then there are the select few- I can bluff all I want to; and I may just barely convince them with my disarming charm that I can hold my own with them, but I know that they've got me. I'm just playing along and hoping that I can keep my wits about me, and that I am catching them at a weak moment.

trust

You want to talk about complete trust?

Put your words out there for review....
It is a state of vulnerability unparalleled.

the silent angels

They were in shock- in absolute shock- over what was taking place.

Each one had been putting up a good fight for the last month or so. Not being intimidated by comments like, "Just shut up and play your harp!" (Yea, they still hear that one a lot. You'd think the other guys would find some different derogatory comments. It's too bad they can't transfer their evil creativity to, at least, update their insults.)

Though the overall agenda was the same: walk in the light, make good choices, be selfless, love others, offer grace, etc...etc; each had its own particular plan- they were dealing with different people, of course. People they had been with since birth.

And they really did have the upper hand here- all they had to do was play the consequence card. For both of them- it worked over and over again. Their charges were held at bay. And it was no matter how the other guys complained- they do that all the time anyway.

And so when their charges rushed in- they couldn't believe what they were hearing and seeing. They could barely register the snickers of success emanating from the other shoulders. They feared to follow. They couldn't figure out how fast the circumstances had gotten out of control.

These silent and astonished angels thought the same thing at the same time: FOOLS!

terrible, funny thoughts

1. At least I saved my ace.

2. Ah, damn! I killed the Snoopy. Yea, well, we all like to kill the Snoopy sometime or another.

3. You are so white, I cut you up with a razor and snorted you.
(I have never been so happy to be Latina.)

such a liar

I lied to them.
And I know that they know that I lied.
They know who they are dealing with, more than I know-
my own self.

And that still amazes me- that they see me that way. That they've missed that "me."
I've not seen myself that way in a long time, I thought that was gone. I've been trying to live "the life," the one I thought I should be living, and as it falls down around me, I find myself wondering who I am and what I should do. Flickers and scenes of what once was, of who used to be, flash by in memories. I read about that person in journals and shake my head in wonder.

Have you seen that person?! She scares me- her thirst, her passion, her crazy ways, her never-ending optimism and ambition: they are exhausting. Who the hell does she think she is anyway? Doesn't she understand that being tame is the only way to get by? The only way to be as acceptable as possible to the larger group...

She's been close to the surface lately- biding her time for the right moment to escape and be. And then, I played into her hands: I was reckless and irresponsible in my fun; and she freed herself from me in a joyous escape. We've been trying to talk it through- but she's not ready to listen to reason. We're sharing the body- as much as you can call it sharing.
*I let her out at night to dance.*
I figure, if she can wear herself out, we will all be safer that way. But her fire never dies, she just continues to burn- like that stupid bush that was filled with the Spirit back in Moses' day; she emits heat. I've been breathless and running a temperature- blaming it out loud on the damn hormones, but inwardly telling her to tone it down (if she wouldn't mind, I sarcastically add).

And so, when I told them that I couldn't dance without music this weekend, I was lying. Even before she was out, she hummed melodies, a soundtrack for my life. There is always music playing- sometimes soft like the embers glowing; at other times, raging, like the peak of a bonfire. The music I don't mind. So what? I have music playing all the time. She always wants to push it to that next level- music isn't enough, she wants to dance too. I keep telling her, "you can't dance everywhere you go;" she answers, "why not?" I don't know what to say- the threat of being proper doesn't seem to phase her.

They knew I was lying.
They rolled their eyes in unison, as if to say, "we know that you have music in that head all the time; don't even try to pretend that you don't." What scared me is that one of the they wanted me to dance; and I really wanted to, but I was scared to- scared that she would be so excited about it that she wouldn't want to stop. So my brilliant idea: no music, no dancing. It didn't fly- the other one of the they tuned into his iPhone for appropriate Latin grooves....oh, God, those are her favorite, I groaned inside. It was an awkward beginning because I was fighting it, fighting her; and then it was awesome, and then I was embarrassed, so I stopped (to her utter disappointment, might I add).

They knew I was lying.
But they aren't too worried.
They saw the awkward transformations.
They understand what it means.
They can't help but smile, because they know which one of us will win in the end.
And I shudder at the thought-
And I don't.

curiosity

Ah, it burns my soul.
The wondering- the worrying that comes with the wondering. I would love to belittle it into concern or distraction; but if I were being truly honest- and I am- full-fledged, dirty-ugly worry accompanies wonder in my brain...not all the time, but most of the time.

As much as I like to have fun- and I do have it; I live, breath, eat, sleep, etc...responsibility. I always resort to the baseline, consider the consequences, squelch the fun before it gets out of control- always.

(well, almost always)

And so, in moments outside of the always; in moments when I consider being rash and adventurous without first considering all the consequences, the wonder plagues me. It's automatic- I've tried to delete that part of my programming, but no luck (anyone want to help me with that?). I move forward and do my best to ignore the whoosh of my mind as it races to present end-results, all kinds of them, waving frantically at me to get my attention as I try to walk on. It is a very annoying characteristic.

I suppose for those who always want to make a good decision every single time, this would be a fairly fabulous thing; but I've come to accept that right decisions aren't always the good ones (afterall, good is a relative thing), and so I am mostly annoyed that my few times of spontaneous fun are ill with the wondering, with the curiosity of what will then happen next...

tapped

Somehow, my 16 year old self resurfaced this weekend- not completely, but enough to be shocking on the alternate parallel universe scale. I didn't really expect to see her- not this weekend, not ever. I can read her memories in the journals she left behind, but other than that....

She was actually here. I heard her giggle, laugh out loud, say silly things; I felt her move and shake her groove; I felt her survey my 28 year old existence with that light in her eyes- the light that exists for 16 year olds full of hope and ambition. She wasn't necessary negative with her opinions on my life, just surprised- she didn't expect this (I tried to tell her that I didn't either).

And then she asked me what I was going to do about it.

I tried to explain that real life wasn't the way she thought it was going to be; that decisions were harder to make and follow through then it appeared they would be; that disappointment and let downs were hard to shake off; that responsibility always wins out and is heavier than expected; that changing one's mind was sometimes practically impossible-

"Why?" she asked.

I thought for a minute- Good question, I surrendered.

spelling vs. emotions

My spelling sucks- there is just no other way to say it. Everyone- including me- is baffled by the fact that I am an English major, that I love language, that I practice writing- AND THAT I CAN'T SPELL to save my life.

Well, I've been learning (and have had a recent lesson thanks to an emotional email) that my spelling gets even worse when I'm writing in passion. The typos are unreal- basic spelling errors and absolutely inappropriate word choices....

really, it is embarrassing.
(head hung, she emits a deep sigh.)

And when my emails need to be impressive and witty and awesome-
all I get is misspellings flowing from my fingertips.

my new job

I've reach professional nirvana.
It is amazing.

A friend of mine from middle school messaged me while I was still in Oklahoma to tell me that her husband (who was also a good friend back in the day) needed some help with his current business projects. She said, "It sounds like you are headed back and in need of a job; if you are interested, this opportunity is available."

Hmmm
Needless to say, I was thrilled by the idea. The opportunity to add structure and organization to a computer based company hit all the right interest buttons for me.

And so, here I am- Administrative Support for WebSpark Design, L.L.C. I've been wearing a lot of hats, balancing my natural skills and talents, challenging myself to learn more ASAP (so that I can keep up with my boss). And I love it! I've finally found a professional that I hope to retire from-

If you need a website, give us a call:

WebSpark Design: specializing in custom web site design and development; offering flexible hosting options; and moving forward with SEO marketing options

shakin' my groove thing

As usual, music hits the spot.
And tonight, it was music paired with physical release: I popped in my shuffle and jogged around the neighborhood (thank you to my physically fit friends that encourage me to challenge my body); and then made space in my living room for an impromptu dance-a-thon. I wish you had been here to dance with me; but then, you may have feared the passion that was released. I'm too much; and sometimes, it is hard to find people that I don't scare when the true Jenny comes out. And when I am in this kind of mood, I certainly don't want to explain myself- so don't bother looking at me with question marks in your eyes as if you've never seen me...because, the truth is- you haven't.

So, I am dancing; and singing; and living the words.
Check out my playlist (and thoughts) for the evening:

Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyed Peas
I'm a beast when you turn me on
Into the future cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Let the beat rock

Last Name- Carrie Underwood
Last night, I got served a little too much of that poison
Last night I did things I'm not proud of and I gotta little crazy
Where did my manners go?
Outta nowhere, I gotta go, hit the road

Church- T-Pain (feat. Teddy Verseti)
I was tryin' to enjoy my night, but then you came here
Then I turn into a rude dude, man
Why you had to fuck up the night
Now we got to fight, I'm gonna knock out your lights
I'm gonna put you in the dark, clap on clap off
Until I put it hard and show them what I got

Just Dance- Lady GaGa & Colby O'Donis
I've had a little bit too much
wish I could just shut my playboy mouth
how did my shirt turn inside out
Just dance, gonna be okay, let that record play

Esta Noche- Pedro Capó
vamos hacer el amore esta noche
un besito para aqui, una beso para ya

Don't Stop the Music- Rihanna
I'm making my way over to my favorite place
Gotta get my body moving, shake the stress away
Please don't stop the music
mamase, mamasa, mamacusa

Gotta Get Thru This- Daniel Bedingfield (D'N'D Radio Edit)
if only I could get through this
I gotta get through this
Give me one more second, then I'll be alright
give me til tomorrow then I'll be okay

Hit Me Up- Gia Farrell
Can't you see me walkin through the door
Maybe I should turn it up a little but more
I can't help but feel responsible
you want this, work it for this
show me that you got what's right

Blame It- Jamie Foxx (feat. T-Pain)
blame it on the alcohol
what you been feeling deep inside
Let it out now

La Tortura- Shakira (Artista Invitado Alejandro Sanz)
No pido que todos los días sean de sol
Ay amor me duele tanto
Ay amor fue una tortura
Sólo de errores se aprende
Yo sé que no he sido un santo

Pon de Replay- Rihanna
turn that music up
I'm the girl on the dance floor wanting some more
shake it til the moon becomes the sun
you want to groove
I'ma show you how to move

I'm A Slave For You- Britney Spears
I need to do what I feel like doing
Dancing is what I love

Live Your Life- T.I. (feat. Rihanna)
start being thankful for what you do got
live your life
ain't got no time for no haters
Hey, never mind what haters say
Ignore them til they fade away
It has an area, a shade of gray
Got everyone watching what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way I'm living
If you really want to

Buttons- The Pussycat Dolls
Back up all the things that I told you
And the heat coming from this beat
I'm about to blow
I don't think you know
I wonder
If I'm just too much for you

Right Round- Flo Rida
You spin my head right round
She's amazin', fire blazin'

When I Grow Up- The Pussycat Dolls
Be careful for what you wish for
Cuz you just might get it
Get it?

American Boy- Estelle (feat. Kanye West)
Take me on a trip, I'd like to go someday

Give It to Me- Timbaland featuring Justin Timberlake & Nelly Furtado
I'm the type of girl who'll look you dead in the eye
Why's everybody on my shit?
Don't hate on my just because you didn't come up with it

Shake Your Pom Pom- Missy Elliott
shake it like a pom pom
move it to the left, move it to the right
double time, double time
lift up your skirts
Them turn em out
Go ahead shake it out

Take the Lead (Wanna Ride)- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony & Wisin & Yandel
You know she'll get it
Yes, I love to dance
I don't wanna stop

That's Not My Name- The Ting Tings
Four letter word just to get me along
It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue and I
I keep stalling, not keeping it together
People around gotta find something to say now
They call me quiet girl
But I'm a riot
Maybe Jolissa
Always the same
That's not my name

That's about all that was on my mind tonight.
Hope you enjoyed the progression.

hiatus

Once again, silence without warning.
Well, I've been kinda busy.
I am back in N.C. and I am trying to get things back into some semblance of a pattern. Believe you me, it has taken some time. My normal way of being, the Queen of Multi-Tasking, has been put on hold as I try to sort one thing at a time. It's been maddening. I'm excited about the things that have been accomplished, but sometimes, all I see is the lack of things accomplished- all the things inside that are screaming for release. Hmmm...

And so, it is time that I release the valve, as one of my dear friends put it, so aptly.
Ttssssssssssss (sounds like: air coming out of a high pressure container)

Hope there is enough time to say all the things that I want to say.