a new game plan...

Thank you for praying for me! I can't being to tell you how much I appreciate that! There is a new plan of action that has been introduced to me for consideration. I feel like I've been the young child watching a parent mixing random ingrediants into a bowl; I've watched the batter be poured into a pan and placed into the oven; I've lost interested as time has passed because I didn't understand what each ingrediant meant now that it wasn't it's own thing, but part of a whole; and now the end product has been pulled out of the oven: it smells so good and my mouth is watering with anticipation. And I am asking God to- again- make things clear. Is this my new plan of action; or His for me?

would it make a difference....

if I told you that I was still writing?

I am still writing, and being very diligent about it. Just not on the blogs. I've been journaling like crazy. I know that doesn't help you- you don't get to know what I am thinking, you don't get to share in my experiences. But I AM STILL WRITING! Doesn't that make you happy? Will you forgive me now that you know that I am still hard at work?

Alright, alright.

I will do what I can to remedy the situation.
I will try to make sure that I am updating the blogs- even if I have to type in journal entries verbatim. But then, that may be too much information; and then you'll resent me for that....

what would you pack?

So, the weather's bad.
Pretty bad.

Bad enough that my roommate has a packed bag by the door. Naturally, I felt that maybe I should take the time to do the same. So, I take a flashlight into the room I share with Rand (who is trying very hard to fall asleep), grab a bag and start packing. And I am trying to figure out what to pack...

With a room full of suitcases, what do I unpack to pack.
What items are among the most important things...

And not only that, but what items will be needed for daily sustenance if a tornado does actually hit? What do I pack to take care of Rand and to keep him occupied?

Just some interesting thoughts.

restless feelings...

The kids have been bouncing off the walls-
And they seemed to just turn over, like a flip of a switch....tazmanian devils of restless energy.

There's this overwhelming feeling of "needing to snap" within me. Like I am about to go mad- I can barely deal with Rand's inability to focus and calm down, never mind this feeling of breathless, endless precipice.

The weather is bad right now.
And we are all feeling the strain.

thoughts on Proverbs 24

5 A wise man is full of strength,
and a man of knowledge enhances his might,
6 for by wise guidance you can wage your war,
and in abundance of counselors there is victory.

This to me is a successful battle plan for life. Because there are days that I am fully convinced it is a war- as much as I'd like to be Maria on top of the mountain all that time singing about the sound of music (and believe you me, there are times when I am Maria, singing for all I'm worth, enjoying the mountaintop beauty, dancing around like I have no care in the world). Back to the war- the daily sacrifice of self in order to support others, and to make sound decisions- it is nice to have some ideas that assist with boosting strength in weak moments.

13 My son, eat honey, for it is good,
and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste.
14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul;
if you find it, there will be a future,
and your hope will not be cut off.

You guys are gonna laugh at me. I read v. 14 and thought, "oh, no! I read that yesterday. Did I skip ahead yesterday and not realize it?" I actually had to reread my post from yesterday. And because that wasn't good enough for me, I pulled out my Bible to make sure that online source I've been using wasn't wrong. I can't tell you how these words are resounding in my heart; God's timing is impecible. And the fact that he was willing to repeat it for me....I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Proverbs 23:18 - For surely there is a hereafter, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 24:14 - So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul; if you have found it, thre is a prospect, and your hope will not be cut off.

thoughts on Proverbs 23

18 Surely there is a future,
and your hope will not be cut off.

26 My son, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe [6] my ways.

These are the verses that spoke to me today. I don't think that I can yet verbalize my thoughts; but know that these both spoke to the deep parts of my heart. Verse 18 renews my spirit and gives me faith to hope; and verse 26 lays down a challenge for me.

this is me- being very specific

(Last night's Bible Study was about prayer; about trusting God and praying very specifically.)

I want to publicly THANK God for providing a spot at a local developmental pre-school center in OKC. I asked for this for Rand and was granted a spot without a long wait. I had a 20 min interview with his teacher on Monday, and believe that she will be tender to Rand's needs.

I am asking God for 3 things for Rand:
That in spite of the new environment, the new teacher, the new procedures:

1. Rand will feel loved.

2. Rand will grow developmentally.

3. Rand will grow in confidence of his capabilities.

If you pray, please pray these things with me.
THANK YOU!

Sending lots of love and happiness!

Jenny

fires..

I posted a few days ago about the grass fires that were in the area. I told you that I was safe, because they were about 20 min away from my location. Well, I found out the next day that it was a scary reality for one of my new friends. She had a policeman near her house at the crossroads monitoring a fire that was close by. He was posted there in case to warn the next few neighbors to evacuate if needed. The fire came within 2 miles of her property.

On the way to her house the next day, a new fire ignited. I saw smoke in the distance, but I didn't put 2 and 2 together until I was prevented from going any further by a police road block. I had to call my friend to get new directions to her house. It is a good thing that this area in OK functions on a grid.

another thing...

I wanted to add another thing to my "what there seems to be a lot of" here in the OKC area: Sonic.

These people are all about Sonic- it's everywhere. It's funny- I think I may have been to Sonic twice; for sure one, but maybe twice. I still haven't been here, not yet. But clearly, it is only a matter of time.

ice queen

I am so frozen: physically and mentally.
I don't know what to do-
I don't know that I want to thaw.

I am used to this-
Being warm and rosy: well, that just might not be my cup of tea, if you know what I mean.

admit it

Admit the pain
Express the hurt
Whether you want to or not
Unburden yourself here-
At the water’s edge
Let your salty tears
Spice the liquid at your feet
Release it
And let it go
It does you no benefit
It corrodes your soul-
Darkens your light
Don’t give it the power
To destroy you
Open your arms and scream
It will leave you
But you- you must admit…

summer heat

Heat rises from my body.
Moisture drips from my limbs.
It settles on the skin over my spine,
The area above my lips,
And between my breasts.
Utterly weary I trudge
From one place to another.
In my mind there in no relief
A super-heated fog envelops me
There is no escape from its vapor
I wither like a dried out plant
My form permanately drooped
There is nothing
But to continue

In hopes that the cool kiss
Of Autumn comes soon.

do you really want to take that step?

Round. Soft.
Plasma heated
One step to explosion
Full. Ripe.
Hanging heavy
Impregnated wisdom
Catalyst to adventure
A journey’s first step
The cliff above danger
No going back-
But can you handle
Going forward?

suicidal murderers

Crazy, insane
What made you do it?
Unforgivable sin
How could you go through it?

People hurt
Why do you smile?
Blood stains…

In despicable celebration
you kill
With no decency
To now pick up the bill

How deep was your hurt?
What enraged you so?
To destroy the lives
Around you
And then your own?

grass fires

Not 20 min away there are several grass fires. In fact, Rand and I spent several hours in that town today playing, eating and shopping without really knowing what was going on-

I knew that several emergency vehicles had passed by in I40.

I realized that the sky looked different; clouded by some ghoulish haze.

And now I know why: on the way home from Target, the radio station sounded a news alert: "Serious grass fires are burning through Midwest City and Choctaw."

The winds are crazy tonight.
These cities are burning-
The recommendation is to evacuate.

There is a serious effort from local authorities all working together to contain as much as possible; but they understand that much will be lost.

To "the one inside my mind:"

Your agony runs deep
Pain is visible on your face
Though covered by a mask
You’ve tried- But have made a mistake
Love has crept in
Made you vulnerable
Trashed your objectivity.

NY- Future

I want this life
Even with all its strife

People all around
Emitting all kinds of sound.

The food here is delight
My waistline will be a frightful sight.

To enjoy life to its fullest
And no longer be a tourist.


I found this poem rifling through some old lines-
And it is something that I must consider.
Clearly, there may be a destination after OKC. (giggles)

zema

April 4, 1999
11:54pm

A buzz- HA HA
Laughter- the key
Color swirling
People twirling
All inside of me
Excuse me MAMA
Excuse me PAPA
The price is only a small fee.

The Scream

April 4, 1999
11:43pm

I heard a scream.
From without, from within?
Something inside
Thinks I’m in sin.
Nothing is wrong
Don’t call me a whore
Your life- no offense
Has become a bore
No longer am I satisfied
Always being good and polite
Turn up the darkness
Cover that damn light.
You can stop saying
That I am a drunk.
I like the buzz
And you’re shit-out-of-luck
I’m not the good girl
I though I was
Well, changes are allowed
So please- stop all the fuss.

make peace with sleep

Friday, September 11, 1998

Ugh!
Sleepy eyes fight:
The struggle- great!
I need to know,
Will it abate?
Sleep- it must come,
Whether or not
I wish For my
Power is none
Against such a
Strong, unyielding
Fiend. Though a friend
When in my bed
I make the peace.

Inspired by the Dead Poets

September 1, 1998

Don’t ever let anyone
Give you the option
Of living with squashed dreams
Or suicide

at the brink

Tuesday, July 14, 1998

I cry
But it seems to sink me lower
I beg
But no one hears
I scream
No reaction from those around
I withdraw
Life goes on without a blink
SECLUDED
I feel like I’m at the brink
And there are no sounds
All my dreams have become spears
And they couldn’t dig out my heart slower

little things noticed-

It is funny what you notice about a different place. Here are some fun observations:

1. Donuts: People in this area must LOVE donuts. There are donut shops around every corner. There is Dunkin' Donuts, Krispie Kreme, Daylight Donuts, something about Sunny Bakery Donuts, and then random shops here, there and everywhere. Fried pieces of dough coated in sugar- I am definitely in the right place.

2. Little Caesar's Pizza: Also around every corner. This pizza shop is EVERYWHERE here. And they are BIG sponsors on radio stations- Little Caesar's is at every event with hot pizza ready to devour at your whim. Now, let's get something straight- I am a local pizza joint kind of girl. I like finding that "hole in the wall" that makes it right; and yes, I will pay for it. But, it isn't a bad option to walk in and walk right out having paid only $5.99 for a large pizza (cheese, sausage, or pepperoni). I think there is only 1 Little Caesar's in Burlington. I may be wrong. And I can't remember eating it very often in the last 10 years of my life. That will change.

3. Sky: there is SO much of it here. They say the sky is the same everywhere- I beg to differ.

4. Horizon: It is amazingly flat here. I can see downtown OKC from my neighborhood, and it is a good 20 min. drive away.

5. Oil things (I don't know the name): The oil pumpy things are everywhere. In the middle of nowhere in a big field OR fenced off because it is in the middle of a mall parking lot.

6. Radius: 25 min in any direction from "my" house takes me to an innumerable amount of destinations. I know that sounds silly- just about anywhere you are that would be true. But I can't begin to list the amount of medical offices, college/universities, museums, cows, businesses, kids activities, playgrounds, donut shops, fields, malls, etc... So many fun things to do- just down the street.

7. Neighborhood Wal-Marts: I didn't know that these types of Wal-Marts existed. I'm familiar with regular Wal-Marts and Super Wal-Marts; but "Your Neighborhood Wal-Mart" is just a drug store/grocery/photo shop. They are also everywhere around here.

8. Asian influence: I didn't see this one coming. I can eat Thai, Korean, Japanese, and Chinese (although the last 2 aren't so unfamiliar) and other Asian style foods every meal of the day at different restaurant for a long time. They are everywhere. And not only that- I can also go shopping to any sort of Asian grocery stores and/or bakeries. The diversity is amazing. And yes, Rand and I have already started testing the waters: his chicken tenders were decorated with a Chinese Dragon and my Pad Thai was spicier than I expected.

Ok- that's all for now. Not that there aren't other things. But I will get to them later.

give it up, foolish heart

March 1999

O foolish heart
Wishing to the moon
Yearning is fruitless
When the object
Is never attainable
A heart sworn to another
Cannot be won over.

previous thoughts on men v. women

Monday, September 1, 1998

Men are the dirt of the earth
They kiss the soil
For that is what they are
And women- we just toil
But never get far

Men have hearts?
Did I say that right?
I’m sure it’s true
Though I've never seen its might

Women can be cruel
Or so men say
Giving each other knowing looks
That tear their hearts away

But ladies everywhere do coincide
That whether men have hearts
Or not and if they play cruel games
Their inner feelings they hide

the million pieces of my heart

Talking to a dear friend:
Tuesday, July 14, 1998

I chopped out my heart
Into a million pieces
Soaked them in salt water
They dried in the sun
And were blown away by the wind.

they don't know my head is a mess

The Story
by Brandi Carlile


All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to-
It's true
I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you