i can do this

I had a moment to myself today.

It was a gray, rainy day.
And the wind was blowing- raging- through the street up to my porch.

I was compelled to get some air-
To smell the air.
It was a long day.

As the wind tossed my hair about, I smelled cloves. And somehow, that scent; and the rain: its smell and sound; and the wind, bolstered my confidence.

And what had been a days-long downturn in self-confidence, turned into this spicy moment of assurance.

I can do this!
I am capable.

I can wrestle decisions down and plant my feet firmly on the conquered carcasses.
Oh yeah, baby. Hear me roar.

Amazing, what a stint in the rain and wind can do for this woman.

are you grinning at me?

I see you.
You are so bright.
I had to double take.
You look different.

A horizontal, crescent-shape;
Bright, milky white-
You slash the slate, blue-black sky.
I can't help but stare.

You look like a smile-
No eyes, no nose;
Nothing else to distract me.
Just a smile.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Or, should I ask, are you laughing at me?

I am not alone...

or at least, I will soon not be.

Somehow, I feel like my sense of privacy is about to take a hike in order to find some solitude since soon that is going to be hard to find in my current environment.

Did you follow me on that.

It is leaving: my sense of privacy...
In order to find its own privacy.

Is it allowed to do that?

Yes or no: doesn't matter.
What matters is that it is happening.
The evolution is taking place.
I am evil and unhappy: clearing not handling the change well.
I am not as good as I thought I would be; as I hoped I would be.

If I were my privacy, maybe I would take a hike too.

body in motion

I am only 27.
Okay, well I am actually going to be 28 in less than a month; but still that is only a year away from 27.

The point is I am still young. I am not old. Not decrepit. I am able-bodied.
Sure, I am heavier than I ought to be; but for the most part, my weight hasn't kept me from the things that I want to do.

My goal last year was to get serious about losing weight; to get serious about breaking a life-long emotional bond with food. I am glad to say that I did lose weight. That I ended the year lighter than I started it. That I presently am aware of being hungry and eating for that reason; not because I am sad, bored, crazy, etc...

This year, my goal is to get my body in motion.
I do like to exercise. Well, I like the after-exercise feeling, more than the during-exercise feeling (there's nothing like a good dose of endorphins)....but still, I usually don't shy away from a modest workout. The key there: MODEST workout.

Part of this "body in motion" goal means that I will challenge my body beyond a modest workout.....heavens, no!

Oh, yes- and I have already started...can't you hear my body screaming in agony in the background.....ah, music to my ears...Please do your best to ignore it.

I am.

ah-ha-ha-ha-ha (think powerful laugh)

I am all-conquering and powerful.
I am strong and beautiful.
I am curious and brilliant.

I gave you power and together we twisted through rock.

Thump, Thump goes my heart.
Throb, Throb goes my arm.
But you have been pieced together and are solid.

I have cleaned you out.
Separated good from bad-
You are the better for it;
And I am the wiser.

And on again, until it's done.

missing you

I thought of you tonight;
And our attraction,
And our instant passion.

What a fun summer!
What a crazy fall!
There was never enough time-

I was in love with you.
I loved you;
And then I had enough.

Can you overdose on someone?
How much of their essence
Is too much?

Clearly, you'd had your fill too.
Our separation was as natural as
Our magnetism.

And know that the day we didn't talk-
And the many days after that,
I missed you.

You were that something to me
That no one else can be.
You got me like no one else can.

But there was also the memory:
Of exhaustion.
Our flames burned hot and bright.

Oh, God, the fire was insane;
The creativity still burns in me;
And the acceptance: me of you and you of me-
sigh~

Our emotions were tangible.
Our ideas were voilent with action.
The music we made still haunts me.

Your voice haunts me-
Our voices in harmony together...
The sound is with me-

As I think of you tonight.
I miss you.
Know that from where you are.

spice

In this moment,
I nod to the women of my past.
The women who raised me;
Who are a part of me;
Who are me.

In inhale deeply,
And exhale slowly.
I imagine spice in the air.
The spice and sense that binds us;
A common ground for us.

As the wind swirls the spice around me,
it becomes a smoke
Filled with passion.
It is filled with love and hate-
Emotions incarnate in my memory.

Thank you for making me.
Thank you for being me.
Thank you for leaving me be;
And letting me be me-
Different but having the same scent.

renewed effort in hopes to reach Shangri-La

I told you daily
And you have been waiting here
Checking in
Depending on my word
I am sorry
Thoughts exist and coalesce
But for fragments of time
The fog has been too thick
The need for attention in other places
Too great
And I am sad
Thoughts meet and make ideas
And without expression
They die
Oh I can gather the pieces
And try to paste them back together
But it is never the same
The brilliance is dull
The shine murky
My ideas are best fresh
Newly ripened
The smell and taste of newness
Lead to transportation
Over-ripe, pasted together ideas
Are just a path through the woods
And you aren't going to find Shangri-La
At the end