So, I cracked open a 1999 Cab Sauv this evening to share with a girlfriend of mine. She came over for some girl time, and I decided it was a good moment to celebrate making it through the week. It was a tough week- I've taking out some major giants...and I am glad to say that I survived.
And, I've kinda been saving that bottle for something special. Not that I haven't tried to open it in the past...I've actually planned on opening it several times, but never actually did. I think tonight was the best night! Making it through life until this absolute moment is worth celebrating! And being able to share it with a good friend- even better.
I remember getting that bottle:
It was 2002- my Senior year at UNC. I was living alone in an apartment complex in Carrboro, and had invited some people over for a dinner party. This bottle of wine was a gift from one of the guests. We had some different options that night, so this particular bottle never got opened. And has been on different shelves in different houses waiting to be opened....
...until tonight.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
oh well
One of the things that I love about traveling is the food. It is always so much fun to try new flavors- in fact, I think that tasting new foods or trying new restaurants is a really easy way to be adventurous. And you know that I love to adventure...
Anyway, a while ago- I was headed somewhere, and a friend of mine said, "take pictures of the food." (Thanks, Sarah!) And I realized that was a brilliant idea. So many people eat the same thing over and over again- because it is safe. So, maybe, people might enjoy living vicariously though me with food as well.
So, I started taking pictures of food. And people really love them. I always get comments on them- if not written, then verbal. Makes me giggle.
But on this last trip to NYC, I learned that sometimes I don't get a picture taken before the food is eaten. In fact, some of my favs this time around had no hope of getting captured digitally, because they were in my mouth too fast.
The picture you see here was my superb Colombian lunch: arroz, frijoles, chicharron, aguacate, arepa, carne y platanos maduros. Muy bien! I completely forgot about my camera as I was scarffin' it down. I didn't even think to take a pic of Erin's yummy Colombian-style chicken soup.
There was something else- the Chinese Paper Cake that I discovered in China Town. Oh my goodness- so good! I will make that one of my regular stops each time I am in NYC China Town area. Yummy-goodness for only 65 cents- BRING IT ON! I ate 3 of these things: 1 on the first day of discovery, and 2 on the second day when I went back to the bakery. On both occasions, I forgot to take a picture.
My point?
I will try to have more self-control when I am about to eat something particularly tasty and make sure that you get a well-defined picture next time.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
accountability
Funny enough, the audience is there...listening.
So, I just have to say something.
Why does anyone think I have something to say- isn't that really the funny thing?
Sadly, it is because I've said I do (have something to say)...so maybe that suggests that I am the funny component to this situation.
Hmmm...
So, I just have to say something.
Why does anyone think I have something to say- isn't that really the funny thing?
Sadly, it is because I've said I do (have something to say)...so maybe that suggests that I am the funny component to this situation.
Hmmm...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
NYC 2009
I cannot begin to tell you how much I love New York City. I love it. In some ways, it is still a big part of who I am- or at least, I love coming back "home" to it.
And, Christmastime in New York? One of the best places to be at the best time! (At least, that is my humble opinion.) There is so much fun in the air- just breathe it in deep; and you can't help but smile.
When my boss told me that I needed to book a hotel reservation for the first weekend in December, I was thrilled. (Actually, I was like "you're kidding me right?! We have only 3 weeks to get everything planned! But after that- I was excited!)
I am here with him, his wife and a co-worker- it is a business trip. But a fun one. And I am the only one who's ever been to NYC before, so I've gotten to show them around. And we've done a fairly good job of it.
Friday, December 4, 2009
let me try this again
So, I've tried cutting my right arm off before. In fact, in the past, I've very decidedly made a stand- I took the knife, sliced through my skin, cut through the bone, and let my arm fall from my body to the ground. I've looked at it sadly as the blood oozed into a puddle around the violated area. I've even gotten to the place where I've turned by back to the forsaken arm- a symbolic act of a purpose to move away from the arm.
But, I am always scared to actually leave it behind.
So, I turn back to it, pick it up, dust it off, and do my darnedest to reconnect it at all costs. And that's what I've been doing-
But not this time.
I've made the cut.
I've turned away.
And I am trying to take consistent steps away; trying to forget that my right arm is an invaluable asset-
But, I am always scared to actually leave it behind.
So, I turn back to it, pick it up, dust it off, and do my darnedest to reconnect it at all costs. And that's what I've been doing-
But not this time.
I've made the cut.
I've turned away.
And I am trying to take consistent steps away; trying to forget that my right arm is an invaluable asset-
Sunday, November 29, 2009
your fire feeds mine
I just wanted to tell you that the acknowledgment of your fire has since rekindled mine- (And not that mine was dying when we talked of heat and fire. It was a consistent burn; and one that was on the rise- though, I've admitted that your influence has been something like oil added to the flame.)
Your fire- the fact that it exists, the fact that it burns, the fact that I see it, the fact that you share it with me- encourages mine to burn even brighter.
Almost as if there is some unspoken friendly rivalry afoot.
"Well, that was nice; but let's see what I can do!"
"Ha! Top that!"
And we do-
And the light burns brighter.
Your fire- the fact that it exists, the fact that it burns, the fact that I see it, the fact that you share it with me- encourages mine to burn even brighter.
Almost as if there is some unspoken friendly rivalry afoot.
"Well, that was nice; but let's see what I can do!"
"Ha! Top that!"
And we do-
And the light burns brighter.
Friday, October 30, 2009
furthest west
Today, I've traveled the furthest west I've ever been. WOW!
I've done a lot of traveling this year. And up until now, my stint in Oklahoma City was my "out west" experience, although it is actually only considered the mid-south.
My layover today was in Phoenix, AZ. I wish I could tell you the view was amazing, but I didn't get to see much of it as it was already past sunset and too dark. I did get to see some mountain-esque silhouettes against the sky, and I thought that was cool.
And my destination, Spokane is- at this point- achieved. I am only about 5 hours from the Pacific Ocean. I may not see it this time, but there's always another visit to WA next year.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
last min packing
So, I know that it isn't going to surprise you- me and last minute packing...that's just a given! But this time, I have a really, really good excuse.
I was working on getting all my items together on Wed. night (as if that isn't last min enough), when I realized that I've stored my suitcase in the loft in the garage. Hmmm, the garage is not my happy-place at night. Why? (you may ask)
Well, let me make things completely clear. The garage is not my happy-place at anytime, but especially not at night. Because, it is the home of the Mutant Jumpy Spiders aka camel crickets. And I don't deal with those very well- at any time; but, best believe, I am not about to subject myself to their domain in the pitch dark....sure, there's electricity and I have working lightbulbs...but really?! Why would ANYONE in their right mind take up such a losing battle?
So, I waited until I left work Thursday afternoon.
And in the bright, mid-afternoon daylight opened the garage door to warn them that I was about to enter their domain. It usually works. But I am in and out of their quick- no need to linger and test the limits of their patience!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
She fights
She fights.
She slays giants.
She kicks ass-
And most of the time, she’s fine.
She’s fine because she’s fast; she’s on top of the game- she preempts the strikes and uses her ability to think ahead to deflect blows.
But, she’s not super human.
Sometimes, the attacks come on too fast. The giants band together and attack at once. One particular giant- from time to time- may be skilled at the surprise attack, and take her off guard.
And that’s why she has a partner.
In these moments, she would expect her partner to step in: to notice the fight because he was paying attention; to initiate stepping into the fight to provide backup, to provide a moment of rest, to work along side to vanquish the enemies; to show that he’s mentally and physically engaged in her life, in the life they share.
And to prove that he loves her; that he is powerful in action; that he is kind and conscientious about her abilities and limits (that he applies the knowledge of her he so treasures); and that he will not leave her alone.
But he doesn’t show.
She calls out, but he must not be able to hear-
Is he not even looking, not even keeping track of the fight?
She continues to fight-
But is so tired now.
She takes blow after blow; endures injury after injury.
She doesn’t want to forsake the fight.
Surely, he is close-
Surely, he is coming closer-
He’ll see the fight. He’ll hear the engagement- her fierce screams in the face of danger as she continues to battle the enemy.
He’ll come running-
He’ll come brandishing his sword-
He’ll provide support; he’ll kick those giants’ asses!
Then they’ll have a moment together- after the battle is won:
Share a triumphant high-five,
And then ravish each other with kisses,
And dissolve in a sweaty heap of love-making bliss.
She tells herself not to give up.
She fills her thoughts with positive images-
(The blood pours down her leg from a gash in her thigh.)
She sees his supportive entrance, imagines her relief-
(She can barely see, the sweat pours down from her scalp and stings her eyes.)
She envisions the grin of comradery they’ll share-
(She cannot breath; her lungs can barely fill with enough oxygen to continue.)
She knows the kiss they share will be delicious-
(She tastes salt and metal as she licks her dry, cracked lips.)
She believes there is light.
She holds onto that thought,
And from somewhere, finds the strength to fight harder, to last longer.
He told her,
“I love you.
I’ll do anything for you.
We are in this together.”
She is still fighting, and trying to believe; but can no longer see what she fights. It’s not just the sweat- there are tears now. And her screaming isn’t so much fierce as it is piercing-
She’s heartbroken.
He has not come.
And if she stays in this fight alone, she will die.
The black darkness of hopelessness starts to creep into her vision, but she’s too stubborn to give into it-
She continues to fight-
But retreats at the same time.
She continues to back up, to withdraw.
She is amazed at her ability to retreat, to disengage from the battle, to give up; but she understands the consequences if she does not.
Step by step, she withdraws to safety.
She falls to her knees, wincing in pain and weeping from the loneliness in her heart.
He did not come.
And she is alone in her pain, in her defeat.
After a time, she collects herself, stands up and trudges to the campsite.
She finds him there by the fire.
She has a flash of emotion- disgust that he has not held up his end of the bargain.
She heads to the blanket for peace, to rest.
She is amazed that he has not noticed her approach-
When he turns around, he’ll see her state.
He’ll get up and run to her; pick her up gently; wash and dress her wounds; give her soft kisses; and apologize for not being there to join the fight.
He doesn’t turn to look in her direction;
But he does address her approach,
“Where have you been? And where’s the meal?”
He turns and looks at her with no reaction to her broken state, “Do you need help or something?”
In that moment, the pain, the loneliness stops her heart. A piece of her dies, as surely as if the enemies she was battling struck a deathblow. She lets the darkness take her.
She slays giants.
She kicks ass-
And most of the time, she’s fine.
She’s fine because she’s fast; she’s on top of the game- she preempts the strikes and uses her ability to think ahead to deflect blows.
But, she’s not super human.
Sometimes, the attacks come on too fast. The giants band together and attack at once. One particular giant- from time to time- may be skilled at the surprise attack, and take her off guard.
And that’s why she has a partner.
In these moments, she would expect her partner to step in: to notice the fight because he was paying attention; to initiate stepping into the fight to provide backup, to provide a moment of rest, to work along side to vanquish the enemies; to show that he’s mentally and physically engaged in her life, in the life they share.
And to prove that he loves her; that he is powerful in action; that he is kind and conscientious about her abilities and limits (that he applies the knowledge of her he so treasures); and that he will not leave her alone.
But he doesn’t show.
She calls out, but he must not be able to hear-
Is he not even looking, not even keeping track of the fight?
She continues to fight-
But is so tired now.
She takes blow after blow; endures injury after injury.
She doesn’t want to forsake the fight.
Surely, he is close-
Surely, he is coming closer-
He’ll see the fight. He’ll hear the engagement- her fierce screams in the face of danger as she continues to battle the enemy.
He’ll come running-
He’ll come brandishing his sword-
He’ll provide support; he’ll kick those giants’ asses!
Then they’ll have a moment together- after the battle is won:
Share a triumphant high-five,
And then ravish each other with kisses,
And dissolve in a sweaty heap of love-making bliss.
She tells herself not to give up.
She fills her thoughts with positive images-
(The blood pours down her leg from a gash in her thigh.)
She sees his supportive entrance, imagines her relief-
(She can barely see, the sweat pours down from her scalp and stings her eyes.)
She envisions the grin of comradery they’ll share-
(She cannot breath; her lungs can barely fill with enough oxygen to continue.)
She knows the kiss they share will be delicious-
(She tastes salt and metal as she licks her dry, cracked lips.)
She believes there is light.
She holds onto that thought,
And from somewhere, finds the strength to fight harder, to last longer.
He told her,
“I love you.
I’ll do anything for you.
We are in this together.”
She is still fighting, and trying to believe; but can no longer see what she fights. It’s not just the sweat- there are tears now. And her screaming isn’t so much fierce as it is piercing-
She’s heartbroken.
He has not come.
And if she stays in this fight alone, she will die.
The black darkness of hopelessness starts to creep into her vision, but she’s too stubborn to give into it-
She continues to fight-
But retreats at the same time.
She continues to back up, to withdraw.
She is amazed at her ability to retreat, to disengage from the battle, to give up; but she understands the consequences if she does not.
Step by step, she withdraws to safety.
She falls to her knees, wincing in pain and weeping from the loneliness in her heart.
He did not come.
And she is alone in her pain, in her defeat.
After a time, she collects herself, stands up and trudges to the campsite.
She finds him there by the fire.
She has a flash of emotion- disgust that he has not held up his end of the bargain.
She heads to the blanket for peace, to rest.
She is amazed that he has not noticed her approach-
When he turns around, he’ll see her state.
He’ll get up and run to her; pick her up gently; wash and dress her wounds; give her soft kisses; and apologize for not being there to join the fight.
He doesn’t turn to look in her direction;
But he does address her approach,
“Where have you been? And where’s the meal?”
He turns and looks at her with no reaction to her broken state, “Do you need help or something?”
In that moment, the pain, the loneliness stops her heart. A piece of her dies, as surely as if the enemies she was battling struck a deathblow. She lets the darkness take her.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
the martini menu
Magical, mind-altering lubricants for social intercourse.
Can I even begin to tell you the reaction this statement got from me? Giggles galore. I was in a really nice Italian restaurant in Key West. And I wanted a drink- they specialized in martinis, so the waiter was telling us, and they also had a fine selection of wines....oh, what is a girl suppose to choose with such excellent choices available?
And then I read this statement: magical, mind-altering lubricants for social intercourse.
I chose wine.
I don't need any help or incentive to stimulate my social intercourse.
I hit those climaxes almost every time- no lubes needed.
inspired by lake water
Oh, the things that girls will say at the lake:
Be careful- wet when slippery.
Because my legs go up in the air so much.
Hung in there like rocks stars!
That mojito feels good!
Shape it up - whip it, whip it good!
Tho' the Jennifers may be going down- we aren't going down without a fight!
The Jennifers are awesome!
You landed like a rockstar!
Here I come- stay away!
You need to let it out a little bit.
Keep the rope between your legs!
Keep your butt up, so it won't be raw.
******************************************
I don't know about you, but I am giggling. Well, maybe you just had to be there.
Maybe next time, eh?
unedited love letter twenty-seven
Where are you?
What are you up to?
You've come to mind in the last couple of weeks several times; and I've shared fun stories of our time together with others. And it is interesting, because it's been a while- since I've thought of you, and how you made me feel; and how we wanted each other.
To completely acknowledge how we were both in need of that "rebound" relationship, and found it with each other- no worries, no strings attached, and in spite of the friendship that grew between us.
Thank you for introducing me to your very distinctive perspective on life, love, sex. For bringing me into your world with reckless abandon- for sharing your love of "raw meat and fresh ice cream."
Oh, yes, you liked your meat raw and your ice cream fresh- I've never forgotten that.
You compared my virginity to a field of wildflowers- so fresh and raw; dynamic in its beauty and variety, but simple in its display. And somehow, I've never forgotten that either. I know that you wanted to be "the one," but I wasn't willing to go there with you; and you didn't give up. Goodness, you tried; being all sexy and forward, and confident with your ability to seduce a woman with your open confidence and experienced hand. But I am glad that we stopped there- well, almost there.
I am proud that I wasn't one of your wild oats- I was more of a...wildflower. We weren't really sure what to do with each other, because we weren't playing by the typical rules that we had been accustomed to, but for those few months- it didn't matter.
I'm glad to have known you- to have been your friend, part-lover-
I hope you are well.
Know that you are missed and remembered fondly.
I hope those wild oats didn't come back to haunt you-
What are you up to?
You've come to mind in the last couple of weeks several times; and I've shared fun stories of our time together with others. And it is interesting, because it's been a while- since I've thought of you, and how you made me feel; and how we wanted each other.
To completely acknowledge how we were both in need of that "rebound" relationship, and found it with each other- no worries, no strings attached, and in spite of the friendship that grew between us.
Thank you for introducing me to your very distinctive perspective on life, love, sex. For bringing me into your world with reckless abandon- for sharing your love of "raw meat and fresh ice cream."
Oh, yes, you liked your meat raw and your ice cream fresh- I've never forgotten that.
You compared my virginity to a field of wildflowers- so fresh and raw; dynamic in its beauty and variety, but simple in its display. And somehow, I've never forgotten that either. I know that you wanted to be "the one," but I wasn't willing to go there with you; and you didn't give up. Goodness, you tried; being all sexy and forward, and confident with your ability to seduce a woman with your open confidence and experienced hand. But I am glad that we stopped there- well, almost there.
I am proud that I wasn't one of your wild oats- I was more of a...wildflower. We weren't really sure what to do with each other, because we weren't playing by the typical rules that we had been accustomed to, but for those few months- it didn't matter.
I'm glad to have known you- to have been your friend, part-lover-
I hope you are well.
Know that you are missed and remembered fondly.
I hope those wild oats didn't come back to haunt you-
maybe we should tell each other more often
I had a friend tell me that he was proud of me-
(Keep in mind, this is someone I really respect. I am impressed with his overall decisions and his impact in his sphere of others. I guess you could say that I look up to him- maybe, I acknowledge him as a mutual force for good in the world? Not sure, what the right details are, but just so you know, it isn't "just anyone" saying that they are proud of me.)
Anyway, I was stunned- in a good way. It isn't every day that someone says that they are proud of you. And maybe that is something that should change...
How does it make you feel when someone says, "I am proud of you!" It makes me feel good; other emotions that flood my being: pleased embarrassment, desire to continue the behavior, sense of accomplishment, determination, validation.
These are emotions that everyone should experience- the more consistent the better. Not so we get numb to the impact of those emotions, but so that we feel the constant reminder of our validation for our impacts in this world.
A couple of things that come to mind:
1. Each one of us should behave in ways that would make the people we respect proud. Whether we hear those words or not (I'm proud of you), let's aspire to achieve those opinions.
2. If you've got a friend who you love and respect; and you see and understand and feel their impact in the world- tell them that you are proud of them! Sure, it may feel a little awkward coming out of your mouth- usually those words are reserved for elders passing that along to the youngers...but it is time we give each other a little credit for the good we are trying to get done.
Just my opinion.
I am glad that someone- a peer- is proud of me.
It makes me feel good!
And I am jazzed to know that I am noticed; and I am gonna keep truckin' along.
(Keep in mind, this is someone I really respect. I am impressed with his overall decisions and his impact in his sphere of others. I guess you could say that I look up to him- maybe, I acknowledge him as a mutual force for good in the world? Not sure, what the right details are, but just so you know, it isn't "just anyone" saying that they are proud of me.)
Anyway, I was stunned- in a good way. It isn't every day that someone says that they are proud of you. And maybe that is something that should change...
How does it make you feel when someone says, "I am proud of you!" It makes me feel good; other emotions that flood my being: pleased embarrassment, desire to continue the behavior, sense of accomplishment, determination, validation.
These are emotions that everyone should experience- the more consistent the better. Not so we get numb to the impact of those emotions, but so that we feel the constant reminder of our validation for our impacts in this world.
A couple of things that come to mind:
1. Each one of us should behave in ways that would make the people we respect proud. Whether we hear those words or not (I'm proud of you), let's aspire to achieve those opinions.
2. If you've got a friend who you love and respect; and you see and understand and feel their impact in the world- tell them that you are proud of them! Sure, it may feel a little awkward coming out of your mouth- usually those words are reserved for elders passing that along to the youngers...but it is time we give each other a little credit for the good we are trying to get done.
Just my opinion.
I am glad that someone- a peer- is proud of me.
It makes me feel good!
And I am jazzed to know that I am noticed; and I am gonna keep truckin' along.
NC Coast
Why don't I do this more often- the beach is only 3 hours away. Really, not that long to drive for several hours worth of fun- sure it is messy fun (sand gets EVERYWHERE); but what is fun without a mess to go along with it.
Rand and I drove to Wrightsville today on our way to J'ville. It isn't really on the way, but we wanted to go to the beach this afternoon; and the drive back north isn't too bad- only an hour.
It was a perfect day to be at the beach. Sunny- warm, but not hot; and nice and breezy. The water was warm and clear. The waves were playful. The sand was smooth and warm (again, not too hot). Rand was jazzed to be there- and to tell you the truth, so was I. I love the beach; and even though I've allowed some mountain thoughts to creep in (the whole tubing thing has got my head turned), I think I will always be a beach-girl at heart.
And I wondered, why don't I do this more often? The beach (just like a good mountain creek) is worth a long-haul day trip more often than once a year. Think you might want to come along sometime?
Where have I been today?
Started the day in Winston-Salem (brownies for breakfast with good friends); spent a an hour or so in Mebane (check in at the homestead and whisk away the child); played on Wrightsville Beach for a couple of hours with the little man; and spending the night in J'ville with the in-laws. It's been a great day!
I've spent a lot of time in the car behind the wheel- and I'm worn out, but really okay. I think as long as I have great music to keep me company, I can just go!
I've spent a lot of time in the car behind the wheel- and I'm worn out, but really okay. I think as long as I have great music to keep me company, I can just go!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
keep on dreaming
He keeps telling me, "Keep dreaming even if it breaks your heart."
And I just want to know- as I continue to dream and hope and wish for the best; and when my heart breaks over and over again because of failure or rejection or exhaustion- will he be the one to hold me and comfort me as well. Will he take the time to tell me, "It's going to be okay; and you will have the strength to continue the dreaming!"
Just wondering.
Even If It Breaks Your Heart- Will Hoge
And I just want to know- as I continue to dream and hope and wish for the best; and when my heart breaks over and over again because of failure or rejection or exhaustion- will he be the one to hold me and comfort me as well. Will he take the time to tell me, "It's going to be okay; and you will have the strength to continue the dreaming!"
Just wondering.
Even If It Breaks Your Heart- Will Hoge
Saturday, September 12, 2009
tubing
Took Rand tubing for the first time today. I was nervous about the way he was going to react- there are so many things to accost the senses. Just think of the exhausting list:
1. the temperature of the water
2. the sound of the water
3. the floating feeling in the tube
4. the balance issues on staying afloat over a rocky surface
5. the bugs, mud
6. the walking
You get the idea. There are plenty of things that could upset Rand's whole balance of being. And I was trying to be prepared- you can never fully be prepared, but I surely do try.
The one think I knew I has going for me- the water. My kid loves the water! Any kind of water. And he loves to splash. So, I figured that since you can't tube without a whole lot of water, I would be in the clear...maybe? In spite of all the other sensory issues that may occur.
And I was right~ thank goodness! Not only that- but (as if we needed it) there is even more evidence to suggest that Rand is indeed my son- what a dare devil! We had a blast! All the way until the end- when we had all HAD ENOUGH (but doesn't that happen to all families on a day trip?).
One of the things that I didn't anticipate- my mind just didn't get there- Rand is all about picking up rocks and throwing them into the creek. I mean...obsessive about it. Rocks of any size are candidates for launch. He especially tried to pick up the ones that were impossible for anyone, never m ind a four year old. And so, much of our tubing trip was spent picking up rocks and throwing them into the creek.
Well, family time is family time.
: )
it will never be the same
I recently purchased a mifi device from Verizon. This small black box goes with you wherever you might choose to go and provides you with a wifi signal for up to 5 devices. So, you don't even have to plug anything in- just press the "on" button. Now, of course, this amazing convenience comes with a price...and a limit; but just think about how cool this is-
I was in the passenger seat of my car- we were on I40 around mile marker 70- going through the mountains; and there were several things that I wanted to check online. I busted out the mifi device and switched it on. I started buying songs through my iTouch and worked on my computer for about 20 mins; and then I was done, and everything got turned off.
That kind of ability to connect on a whim; and disconnect back into obscurity is a wonderful thing.
(Oh, wait: I do have the BlackBerry; but YOU know what I mean ; )
I was in the passenger seat of my car- we were on I40 around mile marker 70- going through the mountains; and there were several things that I wanted to check online. I busted out the mifi device and switched it on. I started buying songs through my iTouch and worked on my computer for about 20 mins; and then I was done, and everything got turned off.
That kind of ability to connect on a whim; and disconnect back into obscurity is a wonderful thing.
(Oh, wait: I do have the BlackBerry; but YOU know what I mean ; )
Sunday, August 30, 2009
play nice and take turns
I'd like to look at him and say, "You have an absolute inability to think past your selfish motivations and desired outcomes!"
And then, I playfully tap myself on the forehead and giggle to myself. Surely that can apply to ALL men?
Chagrinned over my sexist prejudice, I can allow that both men and women suffer from this state of selfishness- an absolute selfishness where no other thoughts can even materialize. And I certainly am not suggesting that I don't have "selfish motivations and desired outcomes;" but at least I can think through and prepare for other outcomes as well. A little step in mental preparation so that I can handle other outcomes with grace and ease and acceptance without drama (without a tantrum).
Children are forgiven for their tantrums- they are still growing up, learning that there is an ebb and flow to selfishness and selflessness. Adults, whether they be male or female, should have already learned this lesson; and since we're all in this dreadful existence called "life" together, should be prepared and ready to "play nice and take turns."
And then, I playfully tap myself on the forehead and giggle to myself. Surely that can apply to ALL men?
Chagrinned over my sexist prejudice, I can allow that both men and women suffer from this state of selfishness- an absolute selfishness where no other thoughts can even materialize. And I certainly am not suggesting that I don't have "selfish motivations and desired outcomes;" but at least I can think through and prepare for other outcomes as well. A little step in mental preparation so that I can handle other outcomes with grace and ease and acceptance without drama (without a tantrum).
Children are forgiven for their tantrums- they are still growing up, learning that there is an ebb and flow to selfishness and selflessness. Adults, whether they be male or female, should have already learned this lesson; and since we're all in this dreadful existence called "life" together, should be prepared and ready to "play nice and take turns."
Friday, August 28, 2009
160 characters
I've recently updated my wireless phone account to include unlimited texting. I am in love with this feature. Before, when texts were 10 or 20 cents a piece, I was (understandably) fairly stingy with how many I sent and received- and saved such an expense for only certain occasions. Now, I will send/receive a text for any reason. In fact, I have come to prefer this method of communication for quick send/response information. No need to hear someone's voice, when you just want their answer. Short and sweet-
K
: )
Nope
30 min
And I have 160 characters to use- seems like a lot for the mode of communication. Who needs that many spaces to fill with information? Well, I've learned that sometimes there is an art to the text style of communication. Sometimes, there is a lot you want to say. Sometimes, you have to send many texts to get your point across...
But what if you want to send one text- just one. So that it will be explanatory, but poignant? I want to get my heart across, but not let it go on and on (which I am sometimes prone to do). I am learning there is a method of editing. There is a whole system of grammar and spelling that specifically deals with the method of sending texts...
Most of the world already knows this, but since I am coming out of my archaic wireless phone world- it's all been greek to me. And totally against the grain of my English training (okay, okay- I know I can't really claim that on the spelling part; but I do try on a general basis to spell correctly).
So, 160 characters.
Sometimes, it is an ocean of availability.
And sometimes, I am wondering why I even bother to text; I might as well send an email- or make the call.
K
: )
Nope
30 min
And I have 160 characters to use- seems like a lot for the mode of communication. Who needs that many spaces to fill with information? Well, I've learned that sometimes there is an art to the text style of communication. Sometimes, there is a lot you want to say. Sometimes, you have to send many texts to get your point across...
But what if you want to send one text- just one. So that it will be explanatory, but poignant? I want to get my heart across, but not let it go on and on (which I am sometimes prone to do). I am learning there is a method of editing. There is a whole system of grammar and spelling that specifically deals with the method of sending texts...
Most of the world already knows this, but since I am coming out of my archaic wireless phone world- it's all been greek to me. And totally against the grain of my English training (okay, okay- I know I can't really claim that on the spelling part; but I do try on a general basis to spell correctly).
So, 160 characters.
Sometimes, it is an ocean of availability.
And sometimes, I am wondering why I even bother to text; I might as well send an email- or make the call.
Monday, August 3, 2009
new direction
This blog was created to talk about my trip to Oklahoma and to focus on my discoveries there. Well, now that I am back in North Carolina, it makes having this blog space obsolete. And I didn't think that was an acceptable option. I've decided to evolve this blog to include all my travels. And, in honor of this evolution, I've picked new template colors to celebrate!
Monday, July 20, 2009
ode to goodberry's
If you haven't been to Goodberry's- you need to go!
My favorite flavor is, of course, chocolate!! YUMMERS!
You are the irresistibly smooth chocolate ice cream custard-
I know that you will be excruciatingly creamy as you fill my mouth;
That your flavor will be rich, deep- complex; and sweet.
Your icy-coolness will ease the need of my firey passion;
Each bite will raise desire for more, and I will question whether I've had enough when I'm done.
I'm plagued with a sense of urgency, because I'm afraid that I'm going to lose the opportunity; and if I don't take it- take it now, you'll melt in my bowl- instead of on my tongue.
My favorite flavor is, of course, chocolate!! YUMMERS!
You are the irresistibly smooth chocolate ice cream custard-
I know that you will be excruciatingly creamy as you fill my mouth;
That your flavor will be rich, deep- complex; and sweet.
Your icy-coolness will ease the need of my firey passion;
Each bite will raise desire for more, and I will question whether I've had enough when I'm done.
I'm plagued with a sense of urgency, because I'm afraid that I'm going to lose the opportunity; and if I don't take it- take it now, you'll melt in my bowl- instead of on my tongue.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
poor kid
SEDUCE
–verb (used with object), -duced, -duc⋅ing.
1. to lead astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; corrupt.
2. to persuade or induce to have sexual intercourse.
3. to lead or draw away, as from principles, faith, or allegiance
4. to win over; attract; entice
******************************************************************
The poor little guy didn't stand a chance; and I forgot to think about my effect.
I was thrilled to be at the Olive Garden this afternoon with my gal-pals. I was totally being just me, hanging with the girls, preparing to eat well. I didn't think about how overwhelming I can be when I am purely happy: both disarming and alluring at the same time. It's the smile, the light in my eyes; the smoothness in my voice. I don't (often) do it intentionally; it happens naturally when I am happy, when I am the most comfortable to be me. My girls can handle it, they know what I am all about- they acknowledge my power more often than I myself am willing to acknowledge it.
He was mesmerized, this little kid who was our waiter; absolutely unable to keep his eyes off me. He even dared to wink at me at one point in a high-schooler-want-to-be-Casanova kind of way (surely this kid was NOT in college). I had to reign in the happy, the Jenny. I had to be careful when he came to the table: avoid eye contact. Put up the wall that protects the unsuspecting innocents from the torrent of my being. Be polite and kind, but not me.
Poor kid! I hope he didn't take it personally.
–verb (used with object), -duced, -duc⋅ing.
1. to lead astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; corrupt.
2. to persuade or induce to have sexual intercourse.
3. to lead or draw away, as from principles, faith, or allegiance
4. to win over; attract; entice
******************************************************************
The poor little guy didn't stand a chance; and I forgot to think about my effect.
I was thrilled to be at the Olive Garden this afternoon with my gal-pals. I was totally being just me, hanging with the girls, preparing to eat well. I didn't think about how overwhelming I can be when I am purely happy: both disarming and alluring at the same time. It's the smile, the light in my eyes; the smoothness in my voice. I don't (often) do it intentionally; it happens naturally when I am happy, when I am the most comfortable to be me. My girls can handle it, they know what I am all about- they acknowledge my power more often than I myself am willing to acknowledge it.
He was mesmerized, this little kid who was our waiter; absolutely unable to keep his eyes off me. He even dared to wink at me at one point in a high-schooler-want-to-be-Casanova kind of way (surely this kid was NOT in college). I had to reign in the happy, the Jenny. I had to be careful when he came to the table: avoid eye contact. Put up the wall that protects the unsuspecting innocents from the torrent of my being. Be polite and kind, but not me.
Poor kid! I hope he didn't take it personally.
my crush
So, I thought I would go ahead and confess a serious crush-
and it isn't so much a crush now as it is a curious attraction...
I can't tell you the first time I saw the movie, but I do know that I was fairly young; and I do remember that I loved it. Have you seen it: The Labyrinth. I liked it so much that I would ask for it again and again when it was my turn to rent something from the movie store- my mom hated the fact that I loved it so much, and that I ALWAYS wanted to watch it.
You guys are gonna crack up (I can't believe that I am confessing this):
When I was little I had the biggest crush on the Goblin King, played by David Bowie. There was something about him that I liked; and now that I am older, I wonder what it was....could it have been David Bowie's voice (which I've carried preference for ever since), his hair style, his distinct makeup, his oh-so-fashionable costumes?
Now I think my attraction stems from a curious fascination of the character: he has an awe-ful, evil confidence that only seems to be fragmented by the young girl's defiance. Maybe I love:
1. the fact that he isn't omnipotent, that even with all his power, he can't control her
2. that he gives her the choice at the end
3. that she has the ability to make him feel vulnerable by just being who she is, and I like seeing a powerful man deal with his vulnerability
Hmmm...
I can tell you my favorite part of the movie- it remains a constant, no matter how old I am: the ball. And maybe that's the romantic in me, the girly-girl who can't help but fall all over a big party and a great dance. I love everything about the ball (well, except the end):
1. the costumes: I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful. I remember wanting to look just like her when I grew up and got married.
2. the decorations
3. the colors
4. the music: that remains one of my favorite songs to this day; a sense of the romantic washes over me and I feel like I am caught in the trance as well, and all I need is someone to dance with me
5. the way he eludes her, the way he watches her as she looks for him
6. their dance
7. and definitely the way she looks at him while they dance (and the way he looks at her): I have always wanted to be Sarah at that moment, and get my chance to dance with the Goblin King
(sigh)
Now that I've shared this deep-dark secret, I am going to leave you with the lyrics:
"As the World Falls Down" - David Bowie
As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes
There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
and it isn't so much a crush now as it is a curious attraction...
I can't tell you the first time I saw the movie, but I do know that I was fairly young; and I do remember that I loved it. Have you seen it: The Labyrinth. I liked it so much that I would ask for it again and again when it was my turn to rent something from the movie store- my mom hated the fact that I loved it so much, and that I ALWAYS wanted to watch it.
You guys are gonna crack up (I can't believe that I am confessing this):
When I was little I had the biggest crush on the Goblin King, played by David Bowie. There was something about him that I liked; and now that I am older, I wonder what it was....could it have been David Bowie's voice (which I've carried preference for ever since), his hair style, his distinct makeup, his oh-so-fashionable costumes?
Now I think my attraction stems from a curious fascination of the character: he has an awe-ful, evil confidence that only seems to be fragmented by the young girl's defiance. Maybe I love:
1. the fact that he isn't omnipotent, that even with all his power, he can't control her
2. that he gives her the choice at the end
3. that she has the ability to make him feel vulnerable by just being who she is, and I like seeing a powerful man deal with his vulnerability
Hmmm...
I can tell you my favorite part of the movie- it remains a constant, no matter how old I am: the ball. And maybe that's the romantic in me, the girly-girl who can't help but fall all over a big party and a great dance. I love everything about the ball (well, except the end):
1. the costumes: I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful. I remember wanting to look just like her when I grew up and got married.
2. the decorations
3. the colors
4. the music: that remains one of my favorite songs to this day; a sense of the romantic washes over me and I feel like I am caught in the trance as well, and all I need is someone to dance with me
5. the way he eludes her, the way he watches her as she looks for him
6. their dance
7. and definitely the way she looks at him while they dance (and the way he looks at her): I have always wanted to be Sarah at that moment, and get my chance to dance with the Goblin King
(sigh)
Now that I've shared this deep-dark secret, I am going to leave you with the lyrics:
"As the World Falls Down" - David Bowie
As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes
There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
Saturday, July 11, 2009
sexy shoes
I went shopping with my mom today. We tackled the consignment shop arena; one in Chapel Hill and the other in Hillsborough. One of the first things I do when I go shopping is check the shoes. I have such a hard time finding shoes that fit, that are comfortable, that look good. It really is the bane of my shopping existence- the shoe thing. But I always look there first, in case....I am a hopeless optimistic.
No luck in Chapel Hill.
Everything was too small, too narrow; or surprisingly enough, too big.
Same story for the selection in Hillsborough- or so I thought.
After checking the shoes on the sales floor, I rummaged through the racks to find the amazing new additions to my closet that were just waiting for me to find them. And I found a few things that I will be rocking here and there- (have I mentioned that I LOVE consignment shops?)
And then, I found it. The pile of overstock shoes. Tons of shoes that can't fit out on the shelves on the sales floor. Shoes in all sizes. Shoes even in my side.
And what are those?
(Those are freakin' sexy awesome Latina shoes- IN MY SIZE!!)
Are they going to fit...nah, they will probably be too narrow.
(WOW! My foot just slipped in- no problem!)
Is the left shoe going to fit- probably not (left foot is slightly bigger due to ankle surgery).
(OMG!!! The left shoe fits well too!)
Can I walk?
(oh, yea! I don't just walk...I sashay.)
I told my mom: "I feel like I've picked up the sexy-shoe mantel from all the Hispanic women who've come before me. Like I am fulfilling my sexy-walk destiny."
We shared a giggle-
Because it is true (especially for someone like me who lives in flip-flops and Crocs).
As long as I'm not stumbling around like a drunkard, I will be making my heritage of Latina women proud; as long as I don't trip, you won't be able to keep your eyes off the sway of my hips.
No luck in Chapel Hill.
Everything was too small, too narrow; or surprisingly enough, too big.
Same story for the selection in Hillsborough- or so I thought.
After checking the shoes on the sales floor, I rummaged through the racks to find the amazing new additions to my closet that were just waiting for me to find them. And I found a few things that I will be rocking here and there- (have I mentioned that I LOVE consignment shops?)
And then, I found it. The pile of overstock shoes. Tons of shoes that can't fit out on the shelves on the sales floor. Shoes in all sizes. Shoes even in my side.
And what are those?
(Those are freakin' sexy awesome Latina shoes- IN MY SIZE!!)
Are they going to fit...nah, they will probably be too narrow.
(WOW! My foot just slipped in- no problem!)
Is the left shoe going to fit- probably not (left foot is slightly bigger due to ankle surgery).
(OMG!!! The left shoe fits well too!)
Can I walk?
(oh, yea! I don't just walk...I sashay.)
I told my mom: "I feel like I've picked up the sexy-shoe mantel from all the Hispanic women who've come before me. Like I am fulfilling my sexy-walk destiny."
We shared a giggle-
Because it is true (especially for someone like me who lives in flip-flops and Crocs).
As long as I'm not stumbling around like a drunkard, I will be making my heritage of Latina women proud; as long as I don't trip, you won't be able to keep your eyes off the sway of my hips.
Friday, July 10, 2009
evil one
She told him he was a good man.
And she believed it- through and through.
No matter what he was…is capable of- she was the evil one in this situation. She was under no delusion of that. She just can't seem to separate herself from the anger, the bitterness; and knowing this has set her blood aflame- do you know what it’s like to have liquid fire running through your veins- not a good feeling.
And she knows that she is perfectly ridiculous.
That reparations happen; that people grow up and move on.
But she can't seem to get over herself, and his lies.
Oh, yes, she is the evil one of the two in this equation.
And she hopes, for both of their sakes, that she can gain control over her emotions soon.
And she believed it- through and through.
No matter what he was…is capable of- she was the evil one in this situation. She was under no delusion of that. She just can't seem to separate herself from the anger, the bitterness; and knowing this has set her blood aflame- do you know what it’s like to have liquid fire running through your veins- not a good feeling.
And she knows that she is perfectly ridiculous.
That reparations happen; that people grow up and move on.
But she can't seem to get over herself, and his lies.
Oh, yes, she is the evil one of the two in this equation.
And she hopes, for both of their sakes, that she can gain control over her emotions soon.
holding my own
I'm a fairly confident person; and if I am in a situation that overwhelms me, I bluff my way through it. If there's anything that I've had practice in- it's bluffing my way through life; that's a natural consequence of people thinking you are older than you really are, and having a smile that tends to disarm and distract people.
I can also- for the most part- size people up; a consequence of growing up in a single mom home. She wanted to make sure her little girl was aware of the people around her (particularly the men), so that nothing would happen without my being prepared for it. So, at this point, I consider myself a vibe reader. I feel people out, so that I know how to act (or protect myself); and for the most part, I tend to be right. Not all the time, but enough.
And so, I know if I can hold my own with someone or not.
Since I tend to be a force of nature with my emotions, if I am not careful I can easily overwhelm and bombard people- oh, yea, I can hold my own with most.
And then there are a few where our abilities are matched; and it is a give and take. Sometimes they win, and sometimes I win. And we mutually respect each other's presence and effect.
And then there are the select few- I can bluff all I want to; and I may just barely convince them with my disarming charm that I can hold my own with them, but I know that they've got me. I'm just playing along and hoping that I can keep my wits about me, and that I am catching them at a weak moment.
I can also- for the most part- size people up; a consequence of growing up in a single mom home. She wanted to make sure her little girl was aware of the people around her (particularly the men), so that nothing would happen without my being prepared for it. So, at this point, I consider myself a vibe reader. I feel people out, so that I know how to act (or protect myself); and for the most part, I tend to be right. Not all the time, but enough.
And so, I know if I can hold my own with someone or not.
Since I tend to be a force of nature with my emotions, if I am not careful I can easily overwhelm and bombard people- oh, yea, I can hold my own with most.
And then there are a few where our abilities are matched; and it is a give and take. Sometimes they win, and sometimes I win. And we mutually respect each other's presence and effect.
And then there are the select few- I can bluff all I want to; and I may just barely convince them with my disarming charm that I can hold my own with them, but I know that they've got me. I'm just playing along and hoping that I can keep my wits about me, and that I am catching them at a weak moment.
trust
You want to talk about complete trust?
Put your words out there for review....
It is a state of vulnerability unparalleled.
Put your words out there for review....
It is a state of vulnerability unparalleled.
the silent angels
They were in shock- in absolute shock- over what was taking place.
Each one had been putting up a good fight for the last month or so. Not being intimidated by comments like, "Just shut up and play your harp!" (Yea, they still hear that one a lot. You'd think the other guys would find some different derogatory comments. It's too bad they can't transfer their evil creativity to, at least, update their insults.)
Though the overall agenda was the same: walk in the light, make good choices, be selfless, love others, offer grace, etc...etc; each had its own particular plan- they were dealing with different people, of course. People they had been with since birth.
And they really did have the upper hand here- all they had to do was play the consequence card. For both of them- it worked over and over again. Their charges were held at bay. And it was no matter how the other guys complained- they do that all the time anyway.
And so when their charges rushed in- they couldn't believe what they were hearing and seeing. They could barely register the snickers of success emanating from the other shoulders. They feared to follow. They couldn't figure out how fast the circumstances had gotten out of control.
These silent and astonished angels thought the same thing at the same time: FOOLS!
Each one had been putting up a good fight for the last month or so. Not being intimidated by comments like, "Just shut up and play your harp!" (Yea, they still hear that one a lot. You'd think the other guys would find some different derogatory comments. It's too bad they can't transfer their evil creativity to, at least, update their insults.)
Though the overall agenda was the same: walk in the light, make good choices, be selfless, love others, offer grace, etc...etc; each had its own particular plan- they were dealing with different people, of course. People they had been with since birth.
And they really did have the upper hand here- all they had to do was play the consequence card. For both of them- it worked over and over again. Their charges were held at bay. And it was no matter how the other guys complained- they do that all the time anyway.
And so when their charges rushed in- they couldn't believe what they were hearing and seeing. They could barely register the snickers of success emanating from the other shoulders. They feared to follow. They couldn't figure out how fast the circumstances had gotten out of control.
These silent and astonished angels thought the same thing at the same time: FOOLS!
terrible, funny thoughts
1. At least I saved my ace.
2. Ah, damn! I killed the Snoopy. Yea, well, we all like to kill the Snoopy sometime or another.
3. You are so white, I cut you up with a razor and snorted you.
(I have never been so happy to be Latina.)
2. Ah, damn! I killed the Snoopy. Yea, well, we all like to kill the Snoopy sometime or another.
3. You are so white, I cut you up with a razor and snorted you.
(I have never been so happy to be Latina.)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
such a liar
I lied to them.
And I know that they know that I lied.
They know who they are dealing with, more than I know-
my own self.
And that still amazes me- that they see me that way. That they've missed that "me."
I've not seen myself that way in a long time, I thought that was gone. I've been trying to live "the life," the one I thought I should be living, and as it falls down around me, I find myself wondering who I am and what I should do. Flickers and scenes of what once was, of who used to be, flash by in memories. I read about that person in journals and shake my head in wonder.
Have you seen that person?! She scares me- her thirst, her passion, her crazy ways, her never-ending optimism and ambition: they are exhausting. Who the hell does she think she is anyway? Doesn't she understand that being tame is the only way to get by? The only way to be as acceptable as possible to the larger group...
She's been close to the surface lately- biding her time for the right moment to escape and be. And then, I played into her hands: I was reckless and irresponsible in my fun; and she freed herself from me in a joyous escape. We've been trying to talk it through- but she's not ready to listen to reason. We're sharing the body- as much as you can call it sharing.
*I let her out at night to dance.*
I figure, if she can wear herself out, we will all be safer that way. But her fire never dies, she just continues to burn- like that stupid bush that was filled with the Spirit back in Moses' day; she emits heat. I've been breathless and running a temperature- blaming it out loud on the damn hormones, but inwardly telling her to tone it down (if she wouldn't mind, I sarcastically add).
And so, when I told them that I couldn't dance without music this weekend, I was lying. Even before she was out, she hummed melodies, a soundtrack for my life. There is always music playing- sometimes soft like the embers glowing; at other times, raging, like the peak of a bonfire. The music I don't mind. So what? I have music playing all the time. She always wants to push it to that next level- music isn't enough, she wants to dance too. I keep telling her, "you can't dance everywhere you go;" she answers, "why not?" I don't know what to say- the threat of being proper doesn't seem to phase her.
They knew I was lying.
They rolled their eyes in unison, as if to say, "we know that you have music in that head all the time; don't even try to pretend that you don't." What scared me is that one of the they wanted me to dance; and I really wanted to, but I was scared to- scared that she would be so excited about it that she wouldn't want to stop. So my brilliant idea: no music, no dancing. It didn't fly- the other one of the they tuned into his iPhone for appropriate Latin grooves....oh, God, those are her favorite, I groaned inside. It was an awkward beginning because I was fighting it, fighting her; and then it was awesome, and then I was embarrassed, so I stopped (to her utter disappointment, might I add).
They knew I was lying.
But they aren't too worried.
They saw the awkward transformations.
They understand what it means.
They can't help but smile, because they know which one of us will win in the end.
And I shudder at the thought-
And I don't.
And I know that they know that I lied.
They know who they are dealing with, more than I know-
my own self.
And that still amazes me- that they see me that way. That they've missed that "me."
I've not seen myself that way in a long time, I thought that was gone. I've been trying to live "the life," the one I thought I should be living, and as it falls down around me, I find myself wondering who I am and what I should do. Flickers and scenes of what once was, of who used to be, flash by in memories. I read about that person in journals and shake my head in wonder.
Have you seen that person?! She scares me- her thirst, her passion, her crazy ways, her never-ending optimism and ambition: they are exhausting. Who the hell does she think she is anyway? Doesn't she understand that being tame is the only way to get by? The only way to be as acceptable as possible to the larger group...
She's been close to the surface lately- biding her time for the right moment to escape and be. And then, I played into her hands: I was reckless and irresponsible in my fun; and she freed herself from me in a joyous escape. We've been trying to talk it through- but she's not ready to listen to reason. We're sharing the body- as much as you can call it sharing.
*I let her out at night to dance.*
I figure, if she can wear herself out, we will all be safer that way. But her fire never dies, she just continues to burn- like that stupid bush that was filled with the Spirit back in Moses' day; she emits heat. I've been breathless and running a temperature- blaming it out loud on the damn hormones, but inwardly telling her to tone it down (if she wouldn't mind, I sarcastically add).
And so, when I told them that I couldn't dance without music this weekend, I was lying. Even before she was out, she hummed melodies, a soundtrack for my life. There is always music playing- sometimes soft like the embers glowing; at other times, raging, like the peak of a bonfire. The music I don't mind. So what? I have music playing all the time. She always wants to push it to that next level- music isn't enough, she wants to dance too. I keep telling her, "you can't dance everywhere you go;" she answers, "why not?" I don't know what to say- the threat of being proper doesn't seem to phase her.
They knew I was lying.
They rolled their eyes in unison, as if to say, "we know that you have music in that head all the time; don't even try to pretend that you don't." What scared me is that one of the they wanted me to dance; and I really wanted to, but I was scared to- scared that she would be so excited about it that she wouldn't want to stop. So my brilliant idea: no music, no dancing. It didn't fly- the other one of the they tuned into his iPhone for appropriate Latin grooves....oh, God, those are her favorite, I groaned inside. It was an awkward beginning because I was fighting it, fighting her; and then it was awesome, and then I was embarrassed, so I stopped (to her utter disappointment, might I add).
They knew I was lying.
But they aren't too worried.
They saw the awkward transformations.
They understand what it means.
They can't help but smile, because they know which one of us will win in the end.
And I shudder at the thought-
And I don't.
curiosity
Ah, it burns my soul.
The wondering- the worrying that comes with the wondering. I would love to belittle it into concern or distraction; but if I were being truly honest- and I am- full-fledged, dirty-ugly worry accompanies wonder in my brain...not all the time, but most of the time.
As much as I like to have fun- and I do have it; I live, breath, eat, sleep, etc...responsibility. I always resort to the baseline, consider the consequences, squelch the fun before it gets out of control- always.
(well, almost always)
And so, in moments outside of the always; in moments when I consider being rash and adventurous without first considering all the consequences, the wonder plagues me. It's automatic- I've tried to delete that part of my programming, but no luck (anyone want to help me with that?). I move forward and do my best to ignore the whoosh of my mind as it races to present end-results, all kinds of them, waving frantically at me to get my attention as I try to walk on. It is a very annoying characteristic.
I suppose for those who always want to make a good decision every single time, this would be a fairly fabulous thing; but I've come to accept that right decisions aren't always the good ones (afterall, good is a relative thing), and so I am mostly annoyed that my few times of spontaneous fun are ill with the wondering, with the curiosity of what will then happen next...
The wondering- the worrying that comes with the wondering. I would love to belittle it into concern or distraction; but if I were being truly honest- and I am- full-fledged, dirty-ugly worry accompanies wonder in my brain...not all the time, but most of the time.
As much as I like to have fun- and I do have it; I live, breath, eat, sleep, etc...responsibility. I always resort to the baseline, consider the consequences, squelch the fun before it gets out of control- always.
(well, almost always)
And so, in moments outside of the always; in moments when I consider being rash and adventurous without first considering all the consequences, the wonder plagues me. It's automatic- I've tried to delete that part of my programming, but no luck (anyone want to help me with that?). I move forward and do my best to ignore the whoosh of my mind as it races to present end-results, all kinds of them, waving frantically at me to get my attention as I try to walk on. It is a very annoying characteristic.
I suppose for those who always want to make a good decision every single time, this would be a fairly fabulous thing; but I've come to accept that right decisions aren't always the good ones (afterall, good is a relative thing), and so I am mostly annoyed that my few times of spontaneous fun are ill with the wondering, with the curiosity of what will then happen next...
tapped
Somehow, my 16 year old self resurfaced this weekend- not completely, but enough to be shocking on the alternate parallel universe scale. I didn't really expect to see her- not this weekend, not ever. I can read her memories in the journals she left behind, but other than that....
She was actually here. I heard her giggle, laugh out loud, say silly things; I felt her move and shake her groove; I felt her survey my 28 year old existence with that light in her eyes- the light that exists for 16 year olds full of hope and ambition. She wasn't necessary negative with her opinions on my life, just surprised- she didn't expect this (I tried to tell her that I didn't either).
And then she asked me what I was going to do about it.
I tried to explain that real life wasn't the way she thought it was going to be; that decisions were harder to make and follow through then it appeared they would be; that disappointment and let downs were hard to shake off; that responsibility always wins out and is heavier than expected; that changing one's mind was sometimes practically impossible-
"Why?" she asked.
I thought for a minute- Good question, I surrendered.
She was actually here. I heard her giggle, laugh out loud, say silly things; I felt her move and shake her groove; I felt her survey my 28 year old existence with that light in her eyes- the light that exists for 16 year olds full of hope and ambition. She wasn't necessary negative with her opinions on my life, just surprised- she didn't expect this (I tried to tell her that I didn't either).
And then she asked me what I was going to do about it.
I tried to explain that real life wasn't the way she thought it was going to be; that decisions were harder to make and follow through then it appeared they would be; that disappointment and let downs were hard to shake off; that responsibility always wins out and is heavier than expected; that changing one's mind was sometimes practically impossible-
"Why?" she asked.
I thought for a minute- Good question, I surrendered.
spelling vs. emotions
My spelling sucks- there is just no other way to say it. Everyone- including me- is baffled by the fact that I am an English major, that I love language, that I practice writing- AND THAT I CAN'T SPELL to save my life.
Well, I've been learning (and have had a recent lesson thanks to an emotional email) that my spelling gets even worse when I'm writing in passion. The typos are unreal- basic spelling errors and absolutely inappropriate word choices....
really, it is embarrassing.
(head hung, she emits a deep sigh.)
And when my emails need to be impressive and witty and awesome-
all I get is misspellings flowing from my fingertips.
Well, I've been learning (and have had a recent lesson thanks to an emotional email) that my spelling gets even worse when I'm writing in passion. The typos are unreal- basic spelling errors and absolutely inappropriate word choices....
really, it is embarrassing.
(head hung, she emits a deep sigh.)
And when my emails need to be impressive and witty and awesome-
all I get is misspellings flowing from my fingertips.
my new job
I've reach professional nirvana.
It is amazing.
A friend of mine from middle school messaged me while I was still in Oklahoma to tell me that her husband (who was also a good friend back in the day) needed some help with his current business projects. She said, "It sounds like you are headed back and in need of a job; if you are interested, this opportunity is available."
Hmmm
Needless to say, I was thrilled by the idea. The opportunity to add structure and organization to a computer based company hit all the right interest buttons for me.
And so, here I am- Administrative Support for WebSpark Design, L.L.C. I've been wearing a lot of hats, balancing my natural skills and talents, challenging myself to learn more ASAP (so that I can keep up with my boss). And I love it! I've finally found a professional that I hope to retire from-
If you need a website, give us a call:
WebSpark Design: specializing in custom web site design and development; offering flexible hosting options; and moving forward with SEO marketing options
Monday, July 6, 2009
shakin' my groove thing
As usual, music hits the spot.
And tonight, it was music paired with physical release: I popped in my shuffle and jogged around the neighborhood (thank you to my physically fit friends that encourage me to challenge my body); and then made space in my living room for an impromptu dance-a-thon. I wish you had been here to dance with me; but then, you may have feared the passion that was released. I'm too much; and sometimes, it is hard to find people that I don't scare when the true Jenny comes out. And when I am in this kind of mood, I certainly don't want to explain myself- so don't bother looking at me with question marks in your eyes as if you've never seen me...because, the truth is- you haven't.
So, I am dancing; and singing; and living the words.
Check out my playlist (and thoughts) for the evening:
Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyed Peas
I'm a beast when you turn me on
Into the future cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Let the beat rock
Last Name- Carrie Underwood
Last night, I got served a little too much of that poison
Last night I did things I'm not proud of and I gotta little crazy
Where did my manners go?
Outta nowhere, I gotta go, hit the road
Church- T-Pain (feat. Teddy Verseti)
I was tryin' to enjoy my night, but then you came here
Then I turn into a rude dude, man
Why you had to fuck up the night
Now we got to fight, I'm gonna knock out your lights
I'm gonna put you in the dark, clap on clap off
Until I put it hard and show them what I got
Just Dance- Lady GaGa & Colby O'Donis
I've had a little bit too much
wish I could just shut my playboy mouth
how did my shirt turn inside out
Just dance, gonna be okay, let that record play
Esta Noche- Pedro Capó
vamos hacer el amore esta noche
un besito para aqui, una beso para ya
Don't Stop the Music- Rihanna
I'm making my way over to my favorite place
Gotta get my body moving, shake the stress away
Please don't stop the music
mamase, mamasa, mamacusa
Gotta Get Thru This- Daniel Bedingfield (D'N'D Radio Edit)
if only I could get through this
I gotta get through this
Give me one more second, then I'll be alright
give me til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Hit Me Up- Gia Farrell
Can't you see me walkin through the door
Maybe I should turn it up a little but more
I can't help but feel responsible
you want this, work it for this
show me that you got what's right
Blame It- Jamie Foxx (feat. T-Pain)
blame it on the alcohol
what you been feeling deep inside
Let it out now
La Tortura- Shakira (Artista Invitado Alejandro Sanz)
No pido que todos los días sean de sol
Ay amor me duele tanto
Ay amor fue una tortura
Sólo de errores se aprende
Yo sé que no he sido un santo
Pon de Replay- Rihanna
turn that music up
I'm the girl on the dance floor wanting some more
shake it til the moon becomes the sun
you want to groove
I'ma show you how to move
I'm A Slave For You- Britney Spears
I need to do what I feel like doing
Dancing is what I love
Live Your Life- T.I. (feat. Rihanna)
start being thankful for what you do got
live your life
ain't got no time for no haters
Hey, never mind what haters say
Ignore them til they fade away
It has an area, a shade of gray
Got everyone watching what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way I'm living
If you really want to
Buttons- The Pussycat Dolls
Back up all the things that I told you
And the heat coming from this beat
I'm about to blow
I don't think you know
I wonder
If I'm just too much for you
Right Round- Flo Rida
You spin my head right round
She's amazin', fire blazin'
When I Grow Up- The Pussycat Dolls
Be careful for what you wish for
Cuz you just might get it
Get it?
American Boy- Estelle (feat. Kanye West)
Take me on a trip, I'd like to go someday
Give It to Me- Timbaland featuring Justin Timberlake & Nelly Furtado
I'm the type of girl who'll look you dead in the eye
Why's everybody on my shit?
Don't hate on my just because you didn't come up with it
Shake Your Pom Pom- Missy Elliott
shake it like a pom pom
move it to the left, move it to the right
double time, double time
lift up your skirts
Them turn em out
Go ahead shake it out
Take the Lead (Wanna Ride)- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony & Wisin & Yandel
You know she'll get it
Yes, I love to dance
I don't wanna stop
That's Not My Name- The Ting Tings
Four letter word just to get me along
It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue and I
I keep stalling, not keeping it together
People around gotta find something to say now
They call me quiet girl
But I'm a riot
Maybe Jolissa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's about all that was on my mind tonight.
Hope you enjoyed the progression.
And tonight, it was music paired with physical release: I popped in my shuffle and jogged around the neighborhood (thank you to my physically fit friends that encourage me to challenge my body); and then made space in my living room for an impromptu dance-a-thon. I wish you had been here to dance with me; but then, you may have feared the passion that was released. I'm too much; and sometimes, it is hard to find people that I don't scare when the true Jenny comes out. And when I am in this kind of mood, I certainly don't want to explain myself- so don't bother looking at me with question marks in your eyes as if you've never seen me...because, the truth is- you haven't.
So, I am dancing; and singing; and living the words.
Check out my playlist (and thoughts) for the evening:
Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyed Peas
I'm a beast when you turn me on
Into the future cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Let the beat rock
Last Name- Carrie Underwood
Last night, I got served a little too much of that poison
Last night I did things I'm not proud of and I gotta little crazy
Where did my manners go?
Outta nowhere, I gotta go, hit the road
Church- T-Pain (feat. Teddy Verseti)
I was tryin' to enjoy my night, but then you came here
Then I turn into a rude dude, man
Why you had to fuck up the night
Now we got to fight, I'm gonna knock out your lights
I'm gonna put you in the dark, clap on clap off
Until I put it hard and show them what I got
Just Dance- Lady GaGa & Colby O'Donis
I've had a little bit too much
wish I could just shut my playboy mouth
how did my shirt turn inside out
Just dance, gonna be okay, let that record play
Esta Noche- Pedro Capó
vamos hacer el amore esta noche
un besito para aqui, una beso para ya
Don't Stop the Music- Rihanna
I'm making my way over to my favorite place
Gotta get my body moving, shake the stress away
Please don't stop the music
mamase, mamasa, mamacusa
Gotta Get Thru This- Daniel Bedingfield (D'N'D Radio Edit)
if only I could get through this
I gotta get through this
Give me one more second, then I'll be alright
give me til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Hit Me Up- Gia Farrell
Can't you see me walkin through the door
Maybe I should turn it up a little but more
I can't help but feel responsible
you want this, work it for this
show me that you got what's right
Blame It- Jamie Foxx (feat. T-Pain)
blame it on the alcohol
what you been feeling deep inside
Let it out now
La Tortura- Shakira (Artista Invitado Alejandro Sanz)
No pido que todos los días sean de sol
Ay amor me duele tanto
Ay amor fue una tortura
Sólo de errores se aprende
Yo sé que no he sido un santo
Pon de Replay- Rihanna
turn that music up
I'm the girl on the dance floor wanting some more
shake it til the moon becomes the sun
you want to groove
I'ma show you how to move
I'm A Slave For You- Britney Spears
I need to do what I feel like doing
Dancing is what I love
Live Your Life- T.I. (feat. Rihanna)
start being thankful for what you do got
live your life
ain't got no time for no haters
Hey, never mind what haters say
Ignore them til they fade away
It has an area, a shade of gray
Got everyone watching what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way I'm living
If you really want to
Buttons- The Pussycat Dolls
Back up all the things that I told you
And the heat coming from this beat
I'm about to blow
I don't think you know
I wonder
If I'm just too much for you
Right Round- Flo Rida
You spin my head right round
She's amazin', fire blazin'
When I Grow Up- The Pussycat Dolls
Be careful for what you wish for
Cuz you just might get it
Get it?
American Boy- Estelle (feat. Kanye West)
Take me on a trip, I'd like to go someday
Give It to Me- Timbaland featuring Justin Timberlake & Nelly Furtado
I'm the type of girl who'll look you dead in the eye
Why's everybody on my shit?
Don't hate on my just because you didn't come up with it
Shake Your Pom Pom- Missy Elliott
shake it like a pom pom
move it to the left, move it to the right
double time, double time
lift up your skirts
Them turn em out
Go ahead shake it out
Take the Lead (Wanna Ride)- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony & Wisin & Yandel
You know she'll get it
Yes, I love to dance
I don't wanna stop
That's Not My Name- The Ting Tings
Four letter word just to get me along
It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue and I
I keep stalling, not keeping it together
People around gotta find something to say now
They call me quiet girl
But I'm a riot
Maybe Jolissa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's about all that was on my mind tonight.
Hope you enjoyed the progression.
hiatus
Once again, silence without warning.
Well, I've been kinda busy.
I am back in N.C. and I am trying to get things back into some semblance of a pattern. Believe you me, it has taken some time. My normal way of being, the Queen of Multi-Tasking, has been put on hold as I try to sort one thing at a time. It's been maddening. I'm excited about the things that have been accomplished, but sometimes, all I see is the lack of things accomplished- all the things inside that are screaming for release. Hmmm...
And so, it is time that I release the valve, as one of my dear friends put it, so aptly.
Ttssssssssssss (sounds like: air coming out of a high pressure container)
Hope there is enough time to say all the things that I want to say.
Well, I've been kinda busy.
I am back in N.C. and I am trying to get things back into some semblance of a pattern. Believe you me, it has taken some time. My normal way of being, the Queen of Multi-Tasking, has been put on hold as I try to sort one thing at a time. It's been maddening. I'm excited about the things that have been accomplished, but sometimes, all I see is the lack of things accomplished- all the things inside that are screaming for release. Hmmm...
And so, it is time that I release the valve, as one of my dear friends put it, so aptly.
Ttssssssssssss (sounds like: air coming out of a high pressure container)
Hope there is enough time to say all the things that I want to say.
Friday, May 15, 2009
proverbs 15; and thoughts developing over discussions based on proverbs 13 & 14
**entry in proverbs bible study email group - blog readers are coming in mid-conversation, sorry about that**
3 The eyes of the Lord are in every place,
keeping watch on the evil and the good.
Sometimes this spooks me out (in that "every breathe you take" stalker way)-
But today, I found it very comforting.
Today this verse tells me that God is in control; that he see the actions and the motivations of the heart; that he considers both the good and bad; and that no matter where we are or what we are doing, he sees.
And I feel that this can tie into the conversations relating to Proverbs 13-
**By the way, I really enjoyed the honestly confessed by this group- I didn't chime in, but don't think for a minute that I'm a Born Organizer (at least, not in my household chores!). Any of your statements can and do relate to me and my house: the bathrooms, the laundry, the dishes, the dust, the floors, etc...
I think that God knows us so well.
And loves us for the people were are- both our strengths and weaknesses.
COMPLETELY.
And I don't think we need to feel guilty for our weak areas- now, I don't think we need to wallow in them and forsake trying to develop them- but I don't think that we can beat ourselves up because they are rough things for us to conquer (no matter what our best friends can do; or Martha Stewart; or that B.O. housekeeper that radiates housewifely perfection).
God has been cultivating a spirit of honesty within me- of being honest with HIM.
I've been in the process of shedding who I've been taught God is, and asking God directly, "who are You?" Which also leads to other questions:
"What do you want from me?"
"Why is my life this way?"
"Why do I seem to have such a hard time keeping up?"
And it is a PROCESS. Part of the issue is that I am human, sometimes, (shock) don't WANT to hear the answer. It may mean that I have to change. But I want to be that person who is willing to change- and not in superficial ways: I don't want to look the part; I want to be the part- REALLY BE it.
So, if I am being lazy; then yes, God forgive me that my house is a wreck, because I am cultivating a negative characteristic.
But, if I have been busy doing the things that I am good at, if I have been loving people, if I have been investing in my family and friends, if I have been diligent focusing on my strong points; then beating myself up and feeling guilty because I am not perfect in all things (i.e. beating myself up because I am not God [and aren't we all thankful :)]) is not worth my time or energy.
Whew- where did all of that come from?
I hope you guys enjoyed-
I love you all; and have really enjoyed reading all the comments in the last couple of days! You are a group of women to treasure!
Happy Friday!
3 The eyes of the Lord are in every place,
keeping watch on the evil and the good.
Sometimes this spooks me out (in that "every breathe you take" stalker way)-
But today, I found it very comforting.
Today this verse tells me that God is in control; that he see the actions and the motivations of the heart; that he considers both the good and bad; and that no matter where we are or what we are doing, he sees.
And I feel that this can tie into the conversations relating to Proverbs 13-
**By the way, I really enjoyed the honestly confessed by this group- I didn't chime in, but don't think for a minute that I'm a Born Organizer (at least, not in my household chores!). Any of your statements can and do relate to me and my house: the bathrooms, the laundry, the dishes, the dust, the floors, etc...
I think that God knows us so well.
And loves us for the people were are- both our strengths and weaknesses.
COMPLETELY.
And I don't think we need to feel guilty for our weak areas- now, I don't think we need to wallow in them and forsake trying to develop them- but I don't think that we can beat ourselves up because they are rough things for us to conquer (no matter what our best friends can do; or Martha Stewart; or that B.O. housekeeper that radiates housewifely perfection).
God has been cultivating a spirit of honesty within me- of being honest with HIM.
I've been in the process of shedding who I've been taught God is, and asking God directly, "who are You?" Which also leads to other questions:
"What do you want from me?"
"Why is my life this way?"
"Why do I seem to have such a hard time keeping up?"
And it is a PROCESS. Part of the issue is that I am human, sometimes, (shock) don't WANT to hear the answer. It may mean that I have to change. But I want to be that person who is willing to change- and not in superficial ways: I don't want to look the part; I want to be the part- REALLY BE it.
So, if I am being lazy; then yes, God forgive me that my house is a wreck, because I am cultivating a negative characteristic.
But, if I have been busy doing the things that I am good at, if I have been loving people, if I have been investing in my family and friends, if I have been diligent focusing on my strong points; then beating myself up and feeling guilty because I am not perfect in all things (i.e. beating myself up because I am not God [and aren't we all thankful :)]) is not worth my time or energy.
Whew- where did all of that come from?
I hope you guys enjoyed-
I love you all; and have really enjoyed reading all the comments in the last couple of days! You are a group of women to treasure!
Happy Friday!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
splashing in the puddles...
Last night, I took a tip from my 4 year old. I splashed in a puddle; and I wished he was with me so that we could splash together.
I very seldom let him- not because I think that splashing in puddles is wrong. But everytime there is a good puddle near, we are inevitability headed somewhere. And that somewhere is a place we need to arrive in respectively good shape- not splashed with puddle mud.
At this point, I've really tasted just about every weather possibility available in the OKC area. I was at the el-cheapo theater nearby the house watching WATCHMEN. There was only abotu 20 min left when the screen flashed out and the house lights went up- "The tornado sirens are sounding. Please make your way to the bathrooms- that is where you will be the safest. We will restart the movie after things have settled."
I shuffled my way to the restroom. I recieved a text from Shelby: We are in the shelter. Hmm...no one in the restroom seemed to worried. I carried on a discussion with another lady: "Oh, you aren't from Oklahoma, huh? Not used to this kind of thing, huh? They'll make us wait for a few minutes and then start the movies back. Don't you worry. Most people like to sit on their porches and watch the storm flash by- just a bunch of hicks."
A few minutes later, we were all in the foyer; the bathroom wasn't exciting anymore. The rain came down in sheets, and the sky was constantly purple with lightning flashes. "We are going to start all movies within the next 5 minutes. Feel free to get in line for a free refill on your drinks."
The end of the movie: dark, sad, ominous.
Ironic, I thought.
I hung out in the foyer for quite sometime. The rain was so thick; the lighting so consistent. And my tires aren't in the best of shape. One girl ran out to pull her car up closer to the front enterance, and came back in DRENCHED! So, I waited; and waited. The sirens went off again- for several minutes. But I stayed with everyone else in the foyer. Finally, the rain died down. I rolled up my pants and walked out to the car. The sky was still purple and there were plenty of rumblin' goin' on-
But, me, I jumped into a puddle or two (or three).
Missed Rand, wished he was with me; and at the same time was so glad that he wasn't with me.
I drove home slowly.
And once I was home, watched the weather channel- all the greens, yellows, reds, magentas, and yes, some black- with my roomie!
I very seldom let him- not because I think that splashing in puddles is wrong. But everytime there is a good puddle near, we are inevitability headed somewhere. And that somewhere is a place we need to arrive in respectively good shape- not splashed with puddle mud.
At this point, I've really tasted just about every weather possibility available in the OKC area. I was at the el-cheapo theater nearby the house watching WATCHMEN. There was only abotu 20 min left when the screen flashed out and the house lights went up- "The tornado sirens are sounding. Please make your way to the bathrooms- that is where you will be the safest. We will restart the movie after things have settled."
I shuffled my way to the restroom. I recieved a text from Shelby: We are in the shelter. Hmm...no one in the restroom seemed to worried. I carried on a discussion with another lady: "Oh, you aren't from Oklahoma, huh? Not used to this kind of thing, huh? They'll make us wait for a few minutes and then start the movies back. Don't you worry. Most people like to sit on their porches and watch the storm flash by- just a bunch of hicks."
A few minutes later, we were all in the foyer; the bathroom wasn't exciting anymore. The rain came down in sheets, and the sky was constantly purple with lightning flashes. "We are going to start all movies within the next 5 minutes. Feel free to get in line for a free refill on your drinks."
The end of the movie: dark, sad, ominous.
Ironic, I thought.
I hung out in the foyer for quite sometime. The rain was so thick; the lighting so consistent. And my tires aren't in the best of shape. One girl ran out to pull her car up closer to the front enterance, and came back in DRENCHED! So, I waited; and waited. The sirens went off again- for several minutes. But I stayed with everyone else in the foyer. Finally, the rain died down. I rolled up my pants and walked out to the car. The sky was still purple and there were plenty of rumblin' goin' on-
But, me, I jumped into a puddle or two (or three).
Missed Rand, wished he was with me; and at the same time was so glad that he wasn't with me.
I drove home slowly.
And once I was home, watched the weather channel- all the greens, yellows, reds, magentas, and yes, some black- with my roomie!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
little man turns 4
I can't believe it. My little boy is 4 years old. It is mind-boggling that this adventure has been this long already. It is true what they say: the time does fly.
This is his first birthday that I am not with him. He is NC, and I am in OK. Of course, I am sad about this, but we had a celebration before he left. And we have another one scheduled for after my return to NC. And I've had 1,460 days of celebrating his birth in my heart.
So, I've decided that I am really okay with not being with him on this specific day- it isn't this one day that is so special; it is the culmination of days that I've been blessed with and will always treasure!
Happy Birthday, little man!
I love you- all the time!
This is his first birthday that I am not with him. He is NC, and I am in OK. Of course, I am sad about this, but we had a celebration before he left. And we have another one scheduled for after my return to NC. And I've had 1,460 days of celebrating his birth in my heart.
So, I've decided that I am really okay with not being with him on this specific day- it isn't this one day that is so special; it is the culmination of days that I've been blessed with and will always treasure!
Happy Birthday, little man!
I love you- all the time!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
he's gone
My little man is gone.
He left with my mom this afternoon.
I wrote him a book- to introduce airport and airplane etiquette. He's been on a plane before, but before he was aware of...everything. Mom said that he did well on the first flight- OKC to Dallas. The next flight is longer- Dallas to RDU. But it is only one day of traveling- compared to 3 in a car.
Either way is an adventure for the little man-
And for the adult entrusted with his care.
It feels weird to know that I won't have mothering responsibilities when I get home tonight. The girls at the office invited me to "margarita night," and I didn't have to worry about scheduling Rand coverage; because he's not even in the state anymore.
So, ladies night- margaritas- fun; and yet, my heart is still connected to the little man, and is worried and praying for his safe flight home.
He left with my mom this afternoon.
I wrote him a book- to introduce airport and airplane etiquette. He's been on a plane before, but before he was aware of...everything. Mom said that he did well on the first flight- OKC to Dallas. The next flight is longer- Dallas to RDU. But it is only one day of traveling- compared to 3 in a car.
Either way is an adventure for the little man-
And for the adult entrusted with his care.
It feels weird to know that I won't have mothering responsibilities when I get home tonight. The girls at the office invited me to "margarita night," and I didn't have to worry about scheduling Rand coverage; because he's not even in the state anymore.
So, ladies night- margaritas- fun; and yet, my heart is still connected to the little man, and is worried and praying for his safe flight home.
one of my new life rules...
I am not allowed to shower in a strange shower having had woken up at the crack of dawn and therefore being unfamiliar with products of a varying nature posing as hair products, not mention too tired for my olfactory to have started the business differentiating between shampoo and Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil.
**************************************************************
Intersting life rule, huh?
Well, these are the kind of rules you have to establish for yourself when you wash your hair with bath oil instead of shampoo.
**************************************************************
Intersting life rule, huh?
Well, these are the kind of rules you have to establish for yourself when you wash your hair with bath oil instead of shampoo.
Monday, May 11, 2009
working in OKC
I really needed some work to come in; and though I've had some really great interviews and second interviews- nothing permanent was coming in. I decided to transfer my attention to the temp agencies in the area. I called new places and sent updated information to the ones that I was already listed with-
"I am willing to take short term contracts. I need some work, any work ASAP."
And glory be- there was a call the next day from one of my favorite agencies: The Addison Group.
"Jennifer, you are willing to take on short terms? That would be great! We have an opportunity starting next Monday, and it will last 7 days. Would you be interested?"
WOULD I BE INTERESTED?
I know that my bank account would be interested!
I wanted to double check the requirements and the location- no need to accept a position if I wasn't going to be able to get there from Rand's preschool or be able to pick him up in time. And another glory be- the 2 locations were only 12 min apart! Three cheers!
Clearly, I took the position.
And that is where I've been from 7:55am to 5:02pm the last several work, weekdays. (Give or take a couple of mins depending on the day and the commute.)
I love this feeling- I am going to work; I am earning money.
And the first two days came with a trainer: the lady I was replacing was around for 2 FULL DAYS of instruction- talk about awesome!! And she was a jewel- I am sorry that I didn't get a chance to work WITH her, instead of replacing her.
She warned me- there are only 6 women in the office; all the rest are guys (of varying age) that love to razz each other. It makes for an interesting work environment. "Stay on your toes," she said. And I am trying. Excuse me, I need to duck: there is a tootsie roll flying through the air....ouch!
And talk about being worn out. What I am doing is not particularly difficult, but I get off the clock and am wasted. I've been wiser about taking opportunities for extra sleep: getting to bed early, taking naps on the weekends.
If you need me in the morning or in the afternoon, you'll find me in OKC commuter traffic on I235.
And if you need me in the "in between" time, call the office- "The Womble Company. Your Pella Window Store. This is Jennifer."
"I am willing to take short term contracts. I need some work, any work ASAP."
And glory be- there was a call the next day from one of my favorite agencies: The Addison Group.
"Jennifer, you are willing to take on short terms? That would be great! We have an opportunity starting next Monday, and it will last 7 days. Would you be interested?"
WOULD I BE INTERESTED?
I know that my bank account would be interested!
I wanted to double check the requirements and the location- no need to accept a position if I wasn't going to be able to get there from Rand's preschool or be able to pick him up in time. And another glory be- the 2 locations were only 12 min apart! Three cheers!
Clearly, I took the position.
And that is where I've been from 7:55am to 5:02pm the last several work, weekdays. (Give or take a couple of mins depending on the day and the commute.)
I love this feeling- I am going to work; I am earning money.
And the first two days came with a trainer: the lady I was replacing was around for 2 FULL DAYS of instruction- talk about awesome!! And she was a jewel- I am sorry that I didn't get a chance to work WITH her, instead of replacing her.
She warned me- there are only 6 women in the office; all the rest are guys (of varying age) that love to razz each other. It makes for an interesting work environment. "Stay on your toes," she said. And I am trying. Excuse me, I need to duck: there is a tootsie roll flying through the air....ouch!
And talk about being worn out. What I am doing is not particularly difficult, but I get off the clock and am wasted. I've been wiser about taking opportunities for extra sleep: getting to bed early, taking naps on the weekends.
If you need me in the morning or in the afternoon, you'll find me in OKC commuter traffic on I235.
And if you need me in the "in between" time, call the office- "The Womble Company. Your Pella Window Store. This is Jennifer."
the food list...
It is amazing.
I always ask someone what their favorite eatery is-
They are always fun answers; and of course, the diversity of fav places to eat are as diverse as the people I ask.
Have I told you guys about the Bueno? Taco Bueno. Similar to Taco Bell, but "oh-so-much-better!" Talk about fast food that still manages to be yummy...AND YOU GET GUACAMOLE!!! That is awesome!
I've been told that Hide-a-way Pizza needs to be on my list....best pizza ever is what I've heard.
And I haven't had a real burger until I've gone to Johnny's.
(Do they even know about the Cookout goodness?)
And no matter what I forsake, I HAVE to go to Pablano's before I leave OK. They have the freshest salsa ever. Hmmm...
So, clearly there are still places that I need to go eat...and what about all my already fav places? There isn't enough tummy-room for all of this...
I always ask someone what their favorite eatery is-
They are always fun answers; and of course, the diversity of fav places to eat are as diverse as the people I ask.
Have I told you guys about the Bueno? Taco Bueno. Similar to Taco Bell, but "oh-so-much-better!" Talk about fast food that still manages to be yummy...AND YOU GET GUACAMOLE!!! That is awesome!
I've been told that Hide-a-way Pizza needs to be on my list....best pizza ever is what I've heard.
And I haven't had a real burger until I've gone to Johnny's.
(Do they even know about the Cookout goodness?)
And no matter what I forsake, I HAVE to go to Pablano's before I leave OK. They have the freshest salsa ever. Hmmm...
So, clearly there are still places that I need to go eat...and what about all my already fav places? There isn't enough tummy-room for all of this...
so much happening
There is so much happening, I don't even know where to begin....clearly, I haven't been taking the time to write. Shame on me! There are fun details; there are sad tidings; there are changes; there is a list (that still grows) of things to do and eat...
I will work on updating; but please don't expect chronilogical order or consistency for that matter.
I will work on updating; but please don't expect chronilogical order or consistency for that matter.
I am pathetic
I am filling in at a temp assignment. I've been here all last week, and will be here for a few days this week as well. This assigment leaves time for extra things to do- "free time," you could call it.
And I have been utilizing that time-
spending time on the job hunt (ah, the satisfaction of being paid to job hunt!) and keeping communication lines open...
And in the back of my mind is a voice: "Write on your blog. Doesn't matter which one you choose; they are all behind. Write, woman, WRITE."
It shouldn't be, but that voice is SO easy to ignore.
And I have been utilizing that time-
spending time on the job hunt (ah, the satisfaction of being paid to job hunt!) and keeping communication lines open...
And in the back of my mind is a voice: "Write on your blog. Doesn't matter which one you choose; they are all behind. Write, woman, WRITE."
It shouldn't be, but that voice is SO easy to ignore.
Friday, May 1, 2009
praises (yes, more than one)
1. God is giving me some direction. I feel like there is a path developing. I am continually asking for guidance and confirmation, but he is moving on my heart; and I am so thankful for that.
2. I have 7 days of work!!! One of the staffing agencies come through with a short term contract!!! I start working Monday!
3. My mom is coming into town for a visit! She will be here for 10 days starting tomorrow morning (missed her grandson terribly ;)
REGARDING 2 & 3
I keep asking God about his timing. It seems odd that I would finally get work at the same time that my mom will be here. I hate that I am going to miss out on time with her. My feelings are still askew, but I've told God that I will trust in his foreknowledge and plan.
4. In LifeGroup on Sunday morning, I told the group that I am the "geek mom." That introduction to preface this next comment: I have an interview with the Apple Store at Penn Square. I am really excited and really nervous about this. I can't believe how it all worked out to get an interview this quick. And I am thankful just to have the opportunity to interview. I'm not sure if my goals are going to be something they can work with, but I am excited to have the chance; and ask that God would make it clear (to both them and me) whether or not this is the path to take.
Just wanted to publically thank God (again) for his kindness and goodness.
He has not forgotten me; and that is amazing and humbling.
He is moving my heart, and that is truly the impossible at work (I am exceptionally stubborn).
2. I have 7 days of work!!! One of the staffing agencies come through with a short term contract!!! I start working Monday!
3. My mom is coming into town for a visit! She will be here for 10 days starting tomorrow morning (missed her grandson terribly ;)
REGARDING 2 & 3
I keep asking God about his timing. It seems odd that I would finally get work at the same time that my mom will be here. I hate that I am going to miss out on time with her. My feelings are still askew, but I've told God that I will trust in his foreknowledge and plan.
4. In LifeGroup on Sunday morning, I told the group that I am the "geek mom." That introduction to preface this next comment: I have an interview with the Apple Store at Penn Square. I am really excited and really nervous about this. I can't believe how it all worked out to get an interview this quick. And I am thankful just to have the opportunity to interview. I'm not sure if my goals are going to be something they can work with, but I am excited to have the chance; and ask that God would make it clear (to both them and me) whether or not this is the path to take.
Just wanted to publically thank God (again) for his kindness and goodness.
He has not forgotten me; and that is amazing and humbling.
He is moving my heart, and that is truly the impossible at work (I am exceptionally stubborn).
Monday, April 27, 2009
a new game plan...
Thank you for praying for me! I can't being to tell you how much I appreciate that! There is a new plan of action that has been introduced to me for consideration. I feel like I've been the young child watching a parent mixing random ingrediants into a bowl; I've watched the batter be poured into a pan and placed into the oven; I've lost interested as time has passed because I didn't understand what each ingrediant meant now that it wasn't it's own thing, but part of a whole; and now the end product has been pulled out of the oven: it smells so good and my mouth is watering with anticipation. And I am asking God to- again- make things clear. Is this my new plan of action; or His for me?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
would it make a difference....
if I told you that I was still writing?
I am still writing, and being very diligent about it. Just not on the blogs. I've been journaling like crazy. I know that doesn't help you- you don't get to know what I am thinking, you don't get to share in my experiences. But I AM STILL WRITING! Doesn't that make you happy? Will you forgive me now that you know that I am still hard at work?
Alright, alright.
I will do what I can to remedy the situation.
I will try to make sure that I am updating the blogs- even if I have to type in journal entries verbatim. But then, that may be too much information; and then you'll resent me for that....
I am still writing, and being very diligent about it. Just not on the blogs. I've been journaling like crazy. I know that doesn't help you- you don't get to know what I am thinking, you don't get to share in my experiences. But I AM STILL WRITING! Doesn't that make you happy? Will you forgive me now that you know that I am still hard at work?
Alright, alright.
I will do what I can to remedy the situation.
I will try to make sure that I am updating the blogs- even if I have to type in journal entries verbatim. But then, that may be too much information; and then you'll resent me for that....
what would you pack?
So, the weather's bad.
Pretty bad.
Bad enough that my roommate has a packed bag by the door. Naturally, I felt that maybe I should take the time to do the same. So, I take a flashlight into the room I share with Rand (who is trying very hard to fall asleep), grab a bag and start packing. And I am trying to figure out what to pack...
With a room full of suitcases, what do I unpack to pack.
What items are among the most important things...
And not only that, but what items will be needed for daily sustenance if a tornado does actually hit? What do I pack to take care of Rand and to keep him occupied?
Just some interesting thoughts.
Pretty bad.
Bad enough that my roommate has a packed bag by the door. Naturally, I felt that maybe I should take the time to do the same. So, I take a flashlight into the room I share with Rand (who is trying very hard to fall asleep), grab a bag and start packing. And I am trying to figure out what to pack...
With a room full of suitcases, what do I unpack to pack.
What items are among the most important things...
And not only that, but what items will be needed for daily sustenance if a tornado does actually hit? What do I pack to take care of Rand and to keep him occupied?
Just some interesting thoughts.
restless feelings...
The kids have been bouncing off the walls-
And they seemed to just turn over, like a flip of a switch....tazmanian devils of restless energy.
There's this overwhelming feeling of "needing to snap" within me. Like I am about to go mad- I can barely deal with Rand's inability to focus and calm down, never mind this feeling of breathless, endless precipice.
The weather is bad right now.
And we are all feeling the strain.
And they seemed to just turn over, like a flip of a switch....tazmanian devils of restless energy.
There's this overwhelming feeling of "needing to snap" within me. Like I am about to go mad- I can barely deal with Rand's inability to focus and calm down, never mind this feeling of breathless, endless precipice.
The weather is bad right now.
And we are all feeling the strain.
Friday, April 24, 2009
thoughts on Proverbs 24
5 A wise man is full of strength,
and a man of knowledge enhances his might,
6 for by wise guidance you can wage your war,
and in abundance of counselors there is victory.
This to me is a successful battle plan for life. Because there are days that I am fully convinced it is a war- as much as I'd like to be Maria on top of the mountain all that time singing about the sound of music (and believe you me, there are times when I am Maria, singing for all I'm worth, enjoying the mountaintop beauty, dancing around like I have no care in the world). Back to the war- the daily sacrifice of self in order to support others, and to make sound decisions- it is nice to have some ideas that assist with boosting strength in weak moments.
13 My son, eat honey, for it is good,
and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste.
14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul;
if you find it, there will be a future,
and your hope will not be cut off.
You guys are gonna laugh at me. I read v. 14 and thought, "oh, no! I read that yesterday. Did I skip ahead yesterday and not realize it?" I actually had to reread my post from yesterday. And because that wasn't good enough for me, I pulled out my Bible to make sure that online source I've been using wasn't wrong. I can't tell you how these words are resounding in my heart; God's timing is impecible. And the fact that he was willing to repeat it for me....I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
Proverbs 23:18 - For surely there is a hereafter, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 24:14 - So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul; if you have found it, thre is a prospect, and your hope will not be cut off.
and a man of knowledge enhances his might,
6 for by wise guidance you can wage your war,
and in abundance of counselors there is victory.
This to me is a successful battle plan for life. Because there are days that I am fully convinced it is a war- as much as I'd like to be Maria on top of the mountain all that time singing about the sound of music (and believe you me, there are times when I am Maria, singing for all I'm worth, enjoying the mountaintop beauty, dancing around like I have no care in the world). Back to the war- the daily sacrifice of self in order to support others, and to make sound decisions- it is nice to have some ideas that assist with boosting strength in weak moments.
13 My son, eat honey, for it is good,
and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste.
14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul;
if you find it, there will be a future,
and your hope will not be cut off.
You guys are gonna laugh at me. I read v. 14 and thought, "oh, no! I read that yesterday. Did I skip ahead yesterday and not realize it?" I actually had to reread my post from yesterday. And because that wasn't good enough for me, I pulled out my Bible to make sure that online source I've been using wasn't wrong. I can't tell you how these words are resounding in my heart; God's timing is impecible. And the fact that he was willing to repeat it for me....I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
Proverbs 23:18 - For surely there is a hereafter, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 24:14 - So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul; if you have found it, thre is a prospect, and your hope will not be cut off.
thoughts on Proverbs 23
18 Surely there is a future,
and your hope will not be cut off.
26 My son, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe [6] my ways.
These are the verses that spoke to me today. I don't think that I can yet verbalize my thoughts; but know that these both spoke to the deep parts of my heart. Verse 18 renews my spirit and gives me faith to hope; and verse 26 lays down a challenge for me.
and your hope will not be cut off.
26 My son, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe [6] my ways.
These are the verses that spoke to me today. I don't think that I can yet verbalize my thoughts; but know that these both spoke to the deep parts of my heart. Verse 18 renews my spirit and gives me faith to hope; and verse 26 lays down a challenge for me.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
this is me- being very specific
(Last night's Bible Study was about prayer; about trusting God and praying very specifically.)
I want to publicly THANK God for providing a spot at a local developmental pre-school center in OKC. I asked for this for Rand and was granted a spot without a long wait. I had a 20 min interview with his teacher on Monday, and believe that she will be tender to Rand's needs.
I am asking God for 3 things for Rand:
That in spite of the new environment, the new teacher, the new procedures:
1. Rand will feel loved.
2. Rand will grow developmentally.
3. Rand will grow in confidence of his capabilities.
If you pray, please pray these things with me.
THANK YOU!
Sending lots of love and happiness!
Jenny
I want to publicly THANK God for providing a spot at a local developmental pre-school center in OKC. I asked for this for Rand and was granted a spot without a long wait. I had a 20 min interview with his teacher on Monday, and believe that she will be tender to Rand's needs.
I am asking God for 3 things for Rand:
That in spite of the new environment, the new teacher, the new procedures:
1. Rand will feel loved.
2. Rand will grow developmentally.
3. Rand will grow in confidence of his capabilities.
If you pray, please pray these things with me.
THANK YOU!
Sending lots of love and happiness!
Jenny
Monday, April 13, 2009
fires..
I posted a few days ago about the grass fires that were in the area. I told you that I was safe, because they were about 20 min away from my location. Well, I found out the next day that it was a scary reality for one of my new friends. She had a policeman near her house at the crossroads monitoring a fire that was close by. He was posted there in case to warn the next few neighbors to evacuate if needed. The fire came within 2 miles of her property.
On the way to her house the next day, a new fire ignited. I saw smoke in the distance, but I didn't put 2 and 2 together until I was prevented from going any further by a police road block. I had to call my friend to get new directions to her house. It is a good thing that this area in OK functions on a grid.
another thing...
I wanted to add another thing to my "what there seems to be a lot of" here in the OKC area: Sonic.
These people are all about Sonic- it's everywhere. It's funny- I think I may have been to Sonic twice; for sure one, but maybe twice. I still haven't been here, not yet. But clearly, it is only a matter of time.
These people are all about Sonic- it's everywhere. It's funny- I think I may have been to Sonic twice; for sure one, but maybe twice. I still haven't been here, not yet. But clearly, it is only a matter of time.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
ice queen
I am so frozen: physically and mentally.
I don't know what to do-
I don't know that I want to thaw.
I am used to this-
Being warm and rosy: well, that just might not be my cup of tea, if you know what I mean.
I don't know what to do-
I don't know that I want to thaw.
I am used to this-
Being warm and rosy: well, that just might not be my cup of tea, if you know what I mean.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
admit it
Admit the pain
Express the hurt
Whether you want to or not
Unburden yourself here-
At the water’s edge
Let your salty tears
Spice the liquid at your feet
Release it
And let it go
It does you no benefit
It corrodes your soul-
Darkens your light
Don’t give it the power
To destroy you
Open your arms and scream
It will leave you
But you- you must admit…
Express the hurt
Whether you want to or not
Unburden yourself here-
At the water’s edge
Let your salty tears
Spice the liquid at your feet
Release it
And let it go
It does you no benefit
It corrodes your soul-
Darkens your light
Don’t give it the power
To destroy you
Open your arms and scream
It will leave you
But you- you must admit…
summer heat
Heat rises from my body.
Moisture drips from my limbs.
It settles on the skin over my spine,
The area above my lips,
And between my breasts.
Utterly weary I trudge
From one place to another.
In my mind there in no relief
A super-heated fog envelops me
There is no escape from its vapor
I wither like a dried out plant
My form permanately drooped
There is nothing
But to continue
In hopes that the cool kiss
Of Autumn comes soon.
Moisture drips from my limbs.
It settles on the skin over my spine,
The area above my lips,
And between my breasts.
Utterly weary I trudge
From one place to another.
In my mind there in no relief
A super-heated fog envelops me
There is no escape from its vapor
I wither like a dried out plant
My form permanately drooped
There is nothing
But to continue
In hopes that the cool kiss
Of Autumn comes soon.
do you really want to take that step?
Round. Soft.
Plasma heated
One step to explosion
Full. Ripe.
Hanging heavy
Impregnated wisdom
Catalyst to adventure
A journey’s first step
The cliff above danger
No going back-
But can you handle
Going forward?
Plasma heated
One step to explosion
Full. Ripe.
Hanging heavy
Impregnated wisdom
Catalyst to adventure
A journey’s first step
The cliff above danger
No going back-
But can you handle
Going forward?
suicidal murderers
Crazy, insane
What made you do it?
Unforgivable sin
How could you go through it?
People hurt
Why do you smile?
Blood stains…
In despicable celebration
you kill
With no decency
To now pick up the bill
How deep was your hurt?
What enraged you so?
To destroy the lives
Around you
And then your own?
What made you do it?
Unforgivable sin
How could you go through it?
People hurt
Why do you smile?
Blood stains…
In despicable celebration
you kill
With no decency
To now pick up the bill
How deep was your hurt?
What enraged you so?
To destroy the lives
Around you
And then your own?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
grass fires
Not 20 min away there are several grass fires. In fact, Rand and I spent several hours in that town today playing, eating and shopping without really knowing what was going on-
I knew that several emergency vehicles had passed by in I40.
I realized that the sky looked different; clouded by some ghoulish haze.
And now I know why: on the way home from Target, the radio station sounded a news alert: "Serious grass fires are burning through Midwest City and Choctaw."
The winds are crazy tonight.
These cities are burning-
The recommendation is to evacuate.
There is a serious effort from local authorities all working together to contain as much as possible; but they understand that much will be lost.
I knew that several emergency vehicles had passed by in I40.
I realized that the sky looked different; clouded by some ghoulish haze.
And now I know why: on the way home from Target, the radio station sounded a news alert: "Serious grass fires are burning through Midwest City and Choctaw."
The winds are crazy tonight.
These cities are burning-
The recommendation is to evacuate.
There is a serious effort from local authorities all working together to contain as much as possible; but they understand that much will be lost.
To "the one inside my mind:"
Your agony runs deep
Pain is visible on your face
Though covered by a mask
You’ve tried- But have made a mistake
Love has crept in
Made you vulnerable
Trashed your objectivity.
Pain is visible on your face
Though covered by a mask
You’ve tried- But have made a mistake
Love has crept in
Made you vulnerable
Trashed your objectivity.
NY- Future
I want this life
Even with all its strife
People all around
Emitting all kinds of sound.
The food here is delight
My waistline will be a frightful sight.
To enjoy life to its fullest
And no longer be a tourist.
I found this poem rifling through some old lines-
And it is something that I must consider.
Clearly, there may be a destination after OKC. (giggles)
Even with all its strife
People all around
Emitting all kinds of sound.
The food here is delight
My waistline will be a frightful sight.
To enjoy life to its fullest
And no longer be a tourist.
I found this poem rifling through some old lines-
And it is something that I must consider.
Clearly, there may be a destination after OKC. (giggles)
zema
April 4, 1999
11:54pm
A buzz- HA HA
Laughter- the key
Color swirling
People twirling
All inside of me
Excuse me MAMA
Excuse me PAPA
The price is only a small fee.
11:54pm
A buzz- HA HA
Laughter- the key
Color swirling
People twirling
All inside of me
Excuse me MAMA
Excuse me PAPA
The price is only a small fee.
The Scream
April 4, 1999
11:43pm
I heard a scream.
From without, from within?
Something inside
Thinks I’m in sin.
Nothing is wrong
Don’t call me a whore
Your life- no offense
Has become a bore
No longer am I satisfied
Always being good and polite
Turn up the darkness
Cover that damn light.
You can stop saying
That I am a drunk.
I like the buzz
And you’re shit-out-of-luck
I’m not the good girl
I though I was
Well, changes are allowed
So please- stop all the fuss.
11:43pm
I heard a scream.
From without, from within?
Something inside
Thinks I’m in sin.
Nothing is wrong
Don’t call me a whore
Your life- no offense
Has become a bore
No longer am I satisfied
Always being good and polite
Turn up the darkness
Cover that damn light.
You can stop saying
That I am a drunk.
I like the buzz
And you’re shit-out-of-luck
I’m not the good girl
I though I was
Well, changes are allowed
So please- stop all the fuss.
make peace with sleep
Friday, September 11, 1998
Ugh!
Sleepy eyes fight:
The struggle- great!
I need to know,
Will it abate?
Sleep- it must come,
Whether or not
I wish For my
Power is none
Against such a
Strong, unyielding
Fiend. Though a friend
When in my bed
I make the peace.
Ugh!
Sleepy eyes fight:
The struggle- great!
I need to know,
Will it abate?
Sleep- it must come,
Whether or not
I wish For my
Power is none
Against such a
Strong, unyielding
Fiend. Though a friend
When in my bed
I make the peace.
Inspired by the Dead Poets
September 1, 1998
Don’t ever let anyone
Give you the option
Of living with squashed dreams
Or suicide
Don’t ever let anyone
Give you the option
Of living with squashed dreams
Or suicide
at the brink
Tuesday, July 14, 1998
I cry
But it seems to sink me lower
I beg
But no one hears
I scream
No reaction from those around
I withdraw
Life goes on without a blink
SECLUDED
I feel like I’m at the brink
And there are no sounds
All my dreams have become spears
And they couldn’t dig out my heart slower
I cry
But it seems to sink me lower
I beg
But no one hears
I scream
No reaction from those around
I withdraw
Life goes on without a blink
SECLUDED
I feel like I’m at the brink
And there are no sounds
All my dreams have become spears
And they couldn’t dig out my heart slower
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
little things noticed-
It is funny what you notice about a different place. Here are some fun observations:
1. Donuts: People in this area must LOVE donuts. There are donut shops around every corner. There is Dunkin' Donuts, Krispie Kreme, Daylight Donuts, something about Sunny Bakery Donuts, and then random shops here, there and everywhere. Fried pieces of dough coated in sugar- I am definitely in the right place.
2. Little Caesar's Pizza: Also around every corner. This pizza shop is EVERYWHERE here. And they are BIG sponsors on radio stations- Little Caesar's is at every event with hot pizza ready to devour at your whim. Now, let's get something straight- I am a local pizza joint kind of girl. I like finding that "hole in the wall" that makes it right; and yes, I will pay for it. But, it isn't a bad option to walk in and walk right out having paid only $5.99 for a large pizza (cheese, sausage, or pepperoni). I think there is only 1 Little Caesar's in Burlington. I may be wrong. And I can't remember eating it very often in the last 10 years of my life. That will change.
3. Sky: there is SO much of it here. They say the sky is the same everywhere- I beg to differ.
4. Horizon: It is amazingly flat here. I can see downtown OKC from my neighborhood, and it is a good 20 min. drive away.
5. Oil things (I don't know the name): The oil pumpy things are everywhere. In the middle of nowhere in a big field OR fenced off because it is in the middle of a mall parking lot.
6. Radius: 25 min in any direction from "my" house takes me to an innumerable amount of destinations. I know that sounds silly- just about anywhere you are that would be true. But I can't begin to list the amount of medical offices, college/universities, museums, cows, businesses, kids activities, playgrounds, donut shops, fields, malls, etc... So many fun things to do- just down the street.
7. Neighborhood Wal-Marts: I didn't know that these types of Wal-Marts existed. I'm familiar with regular Wal-Marts and Super Wal-Marts; but "Your Neighborhood Wal-Mart" is just a drug store/grocery/photo shop. They are also everywhere around here.
8. Asian influence: I didn't see this one coming. I can eat Thai, Korean, Japanese, and Chinese (although the last 2 aren't so unfamiliar) and other Asian style foods every meal of the day at different restaurant for a long time. They are everywhere. And not only that- I can also go shopping to any sort of Asian grocery stores and/or bakeries. The diversity is amazing. And yes, Rand and I have already started testing the waters: his chicken tenders were decorated with a Chinese Dragon and my Pad Thai was spicier than I expected.
Ok- that's all for now. Not that there aren't other things. But I will get to them later.
1. Donuts: People in this area must LOVE donuts. There are donut shops around every corner. There is Dunkin' Donuts, Krispie Kreme, Daylight Donuts, something about Sunny Bakery Donuts, and then random shops here, there and everywhere. Fried pieces of dough coated in sugar- I am definitely in the right place.
2. Little Caesar's Pizza: Also around every corner. This pizza shop is EVERYWHERE here. And they are BIG sponsors on radio stations- Little Caesar's is at every event with hot pizza ready to devour at your whim. Now, let's get something straight- I am a local pizza joint kind of girl. I like finding that "hole in the wall" that makes it right; and yes, I will pay for it. But, it isn't a bad option to walk in and walk right out having paid only $5.99 for a large pizza (cheese, sausage, or pepperoni). I think there is only 1 Little Caesar's in Burlington. I may be wrong. And I can't remember eating it very often in the last 10 years of my life. That will change.
3. Sky: there is SO much of it here. They say the sky is the same everywhere- I beg to differ.
4. Horizon: It is amazingly flat here. I can see downtown OKC from my neighborhood, and it is a good 20 min. drive away.
5. Oil things (I don't know the name): The oil pumpy things are everywhere. In the middle of nowhere in a big field OR fenced off because it is in the middle of a mall parking lot.
6. Radius: 25 min in any direction from "my" house takes me to an innumerable amount of destinations. I know that sounds silly- just about anywhere you are that would be true. But I can't begin to list the amount of medical offices, college/universities, museums, cows, businesses, kids activities, playgrounds, donut shops, fields, malls, etc... So many fun things to do- just down the street.
7. Neighborhood Wal-Marts: I didn't know that these types of Wal-Marts existed. I'm familiar with regular Wal-Marts and Super Wal-Marts; but "Your Neighborhood Wal-Mart" is just a drug store/grocery/photo shop. They are also everywhere around here.
8. Asian influence: I didn't see this one coming. I can eat Thai, Korean, Japanese, and Chinese (although the last 2 aren't so unfamiliar) and other Asian style foods every meal of the day at different restaurant for a long time. They are everywhere. And not only that- I can also go shopping to any sort of Asian grocery stores and/or bakeries. The diversity is amazing. And yes, Rand and I have already started testing the waters: his chicken tenders were decorated with a Chinese Dragon and my Pad Thai was spicier than I expected.
Ok- that's all for now. Not that there aren't other things. But I will get to them later.
give it up, foolish heart
March 1999
O foolish heart
Wishing to the moon
Yearning is fruitless
When the object
Is never attainable
A heart sworn to another
Cannot be won over.
O foolish heart
Wishing to the moon
Yearning is fruitless
When the object
Is never attainable
A heart sworn to another
Cannot be won over.
previous thoughts on men v. women
Monday, September 1, 1998
Men are the dirt of the earth
They kiss the soil
For that is what they are
And women- we just toil
But never get far
Men have hearts?
Did I say that right?
I’m sure it’s true
Though I've never seen its might
Women can be cruel
Or so men say
Giving each other knowing looks
That tear their hearts away
But ladies everywhere do coincide
That whether men have hearts
Or not and if they play cruel games
Their inner feelings they hide
Men are the dirt of the earth
They kiss the soil
For that is what they are
And women- we just toil
But never get far
Men have hearts?
Did I say that right?
I’m sure it’s true
Though I've never seen its might
Women can be cruel
Or so men say
Giving each other knowing looks
That tear their hearts away
But ladies everywhere do coincide
That whether men have hearts
Or not and if they play cruel games
Their inner feelings they hide
the million pieces of my heart
Talking to a dear friend:
Tuesday, July 14, 1998
I chopped out my heart
Into a million pieces
Soaked them in salt water
They dried in the sun
And were blown away by the wind.
Tuesday, July 14, 1998
I chopped out my heart
Into a million pieces
Soaked them in salt water
They dried in the sun
And were blown away by the wind.
they don't know my head is a mess
The Story
by Brandi Carlile
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to-
It's true
I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
by Brandi Carlile
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to-
It's true
I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
one of my favorite things
Want to know what one of my favorite things about living in OKC is?
KOMA, The Best Music of the 60's and 70's
Station 92.5 on my car radio.
I love it.
There is always something great on the radio; and I am singing my little heart out. And I feel good that my kid is getting a well-rounded background music education: rock, r&b, soul, folk, etc...
Come for a visit: there's plenty of American Pie to last the car ride to our local church (and then some).
KOMA, The Best Music of the 60's and 70's
Station 92.5 on my car radio.
I love it.
There is always something great on the radio; and I am singing my little heart out. And I feel good that my kid is getting a well-rounded background music education: rock, r&b, soul, folk, etc...
Come for a visit: there's plenty of American Pie to last the car ride to our local church (and then some).
victory in enemy territory
I was invited to watch the game at a Sooner's home. She is a friend of my roomie. She graciously opened her home to us and our children- and our beautiful, CAROLINA blue sports wear!
The children played; and the adults watched the game (and yelled at the TV).
So glad to know that Sooners are gracious hosts, even in the face of defeat.
Thank you so much for making this Tarheel feel "at home."
The children played; and the adults watched the game (and yelled at the TV).
So glad to know that Sooners are gracious hosts, even in the face of defeat.
Thank you so much for making this Tarheel feel "at home."
Friday, March 27, 2009
funny, I think,
So, I've been paying attention to the NCAA Tourny- as usual. I'm not a dedicated college bball fan, but I can't help getting sucked in by March Madness.
I think it is funny, ironic you could say, that UNC battles against OU on Sunday afternoon. :)
Go Heels!
I think it is funny, ironic you could say, that UNC battles against OU on Sunday afternoon. :)
Go Heels!
so, how's the weather...
It's been a little less than a month that I've been here in OK.
You want to know what the weather is like? CRAZY!!
There's been:
hot, sunny days
light breezes to winds that blow me off balance
crisp, clear, chilly days
muggy days
foggy weather
there's been snow, ice, hail
thunderstorms: with amazing lightening and thunder
and NW of my area there are blizzard conditions; and between tonight and tomorrow, there will be 3-6 inches of snow on the ground.
It definitely keeps things interesting.
You want to know what the weather is like? CRAZY!!
There's been:
hot, sunny days
light breezes to winds that blow me off balance
crisp, clear, chilly days
muggy days
foggy weather
there's been snow, ice, hail
thunderstorms: with amazing lightening and thunder
and NW of my area there are blizzard conditions; and between tonight and tomorrow, there will be 3-6 inches of snow on the ground.
It definitely keeps things interesting.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
big storm
We had a big storm last night. Pretty typical around here, or so I here. I actually got up out of bed and asked my roommate if I needed to be worried or prepared for anything else- more tornadic. She was checking the weather channel, but didn't seem too perturbed by the howling winds or the pop-pop-pings of the hail.
Oh, yea. There was hail. A lot of hail- all dime, nickle sized, and maybe a few quarters. I haven't seen a good hail storm since I was 8? maybe 9? I mean, the ground was dusted with white pebbles- not completely covered; but a decent dusting.
I thought it was interesting.
And I thought it was amazing how dry the playground was this morning due to the velocity of the winds. Amazing that all of last night's water was gone; either blown away or dried up with the force of it all. The tulip sprouts survived; and the grass responded by growing another 2 inches in one day.
I wonder how the cows across the street are taking it?
Do they get annoyed by all the pings, or is it a welcome icy, massage?
Oh, yea. There was hail. A lot of hail- all dime, nickle sized, and maybe a few quarters. I haven't seen a good hail storm since I was 8? maybe 9? I mean, the ground was dusted with white pebbles- not completely covered; but a decent dusting.
I thought it was interesting.
And I thought it was amazing how dry the playground was this morning due to the velocity of the winds. Amazing that all of last night's water was gone; either blown away or dried up with the force of it all. The tulip sprouts survived; and the grass responded by growing another 2 inches in one day.
I wonder how the cows across the street are taking it?
Do they get annoyed by all the pings, or is it a welcome icy, massage?
Friday, March 13, 2009
persnickety
–adjective Informal.
1. overparticular; fussy.
2. snobbish or having the aloof attitude of a snob.
3. requiring painstaking care.
*from dictionary.com
Synonyms: choosy, dainty, exacting, fastidious, finical, finicky, fussy, meticulous, particular, squeamish
*from thesaurus.com
This has become our favorite word.
We commit to using it at least once a day in conversation.
And yes, it applies to both of us; all of us for that matter.
1. overparticular; fussy.
2. snobbish or having the aloof attitude of a snob.
3. requiring painstaking care.
*from dictionary.com
Synonyms: choosy, dainty, exacting, fastidious, finical, finicky, fussy, meticulous, particular, squeamish
*from thesaurus.com
This has become our favorite word.
We commit to using it at least once a day in conversation.
And yes, it applies to both of us; all of us for that matter.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
my sensory-wise son
-excerpt taken from my journal: entry dated Thursday, March 5 2009 sometime mid-morning
And so, it is a new day.
Rand and I are at the playground. I wonder...
Here at the playground Rand gets to work on his gross motor skills and need for boyish expression-aggression release; but I wonder how he handles the wind. It is really windy, consistently windy here; and I know he notices it. I wonder how it affects him sensory-wise. I feel it on my skin, in my hair; I hear it in my ears. I wonder how Rand processes all these things. Does it has the possibility of being an overwhelming thing or will it serve to build up a kind of sensory immune system? Will he learn to cope well with all that surrounds us?
For that matter too, we are right beside I35, a major roadway through this area. From this distance, you can hear the constant roar of the cars on the tarmac. It is not unlike a vacuum cleaner or hair dryer. But Rand seems unfazed. I wonder if this will serve to wear down his fear of other noise-makers or will he keep grudges against certain ones?
And so, it is a new day.
Rand and I are at the playground. I wonder...
Here at the playground Rand gets to work on his gross motor skills and need for boyish expression-aggression release; but I wonder how he handles the wind. It is really windy, consistently windy here; and I know he notices it. I wonder how it affects him sensory-wise. I feel it on my skin, in my hair; I hear it in my ears. I wonder how Rand processes all these things. Does it has the possibility of being an overwhelming thing or will it serve to build up a kind of sensory immune system? Will he learn to cope well with all that surrounds us?
For that matter too, we are right beside I35, a major roadway through this area. From this distance, you can hear the constant roar of the cars on the tarmac. It is not unlike a vacuum cleaner or hair dryer. But Rand seems unfazed. I wonder if this will serve to wear down his fear of other noise-makers or will he keep grudges against certain ones?
I was in church this Sunday...
and I can't tell you how long it has been since that has been the case. I actually went to Sunday School (which they call LifeGroups) and Service.
I appreciated the loving nature of the people around me. I enjoyed the lessons. I heard and felt the music. But I couldn't help but on some level feel like a hypocrite. There are so many questions that I have, and so much faith that I lack: I can still speak Christianese with the best of them, but I am not completely sure I believe it as it is coming from my own mouth.
But it is so easy for me to do it. And I wonder, how much of my heart is really my own; and how much of it is God's, whether I like it or not?
And I think, for a moment, I could have been really happy: if I had let myself.
I appreciated the loving nature of the people around me. I enjoyed the lessons. I heard and felt the music. But I couldn't help but on some level feel like a hypocrite. There are so many questions that I have, and so much faith that I lack: I can still speak Christianese with the best of them, but I am not completely sure I believe it as it is coming from my own mouth.
But it is so easy for me to do it. And I wonder, how much of my heart is really my own; and how much of it is God's, whether I like it or not?
And I think, for a moment, I could have been really happy: if I had let myself.
sorry, I was still sleeping
You know that joke where someone sleeps through an earthquake?
Well, that was me this morning.
Here is the OKC vicinity, we experienced an earthquake this morning. Depending on the news channel you watch, it was a 3.4, 3.6, 3.9 on the scale.
Sorry that I missed it.
Well, that was me this morning.
Here is the OKC vicinity, we experienced an earthquake this morning. Depending on the news channel you watch, it was a 3.4, 3.6, 3.9 on the scale.
Sorry that I missed it.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
to stay; or not to stay
Just some thoughts about what's going on:
I am not going to lie: the first few days here have been tough; and I was really questioning my ability to stay. The girlfriend that I have come to stay with really let me have it last night. She said, "Jenny, I think you already know what you want to do. Deep down, you've already made the decision. Just decide it; and stop being so wishy-washy about what you are going to do." It was like a reality slap- I really needed it. I think I was looking at everything and getting overwhelmed about how much needs to fall in place, and I was ready to leave before I had even started actually "being here." *
*excerpt from a letter to a friend
I am not going to lie: the first few days here have been tough; and I was really questioning my ability to stay. The girlfriend that I have come to stay with really let me have it last night. She said, "Jenny, I think you already know what you want to do. Deep down, you've already made the decision. Just decide it; and stop being so wishy-washy about what you are going to do." It was like a reality slap- I really needed it. I think I was looking at everything and getting overwhelmed about how much needs to fall in place, and I was ready to leave before I had even started actually "being here." *
*excerpt from a letter to a friend
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