untitled: March 3, 2001

In one moment
Everything can change
Breathless- we meet
And I am scared
Scared- because action means change
Scared- because inaction means more
Yet less, the inevitable decision

To be lost in the abyss
It tempts and pulls
For present satisfaction
Oh- but to wait
For the maturing of day
The sunset for new life
The beginning of the rest of my existence

untitled: Oct. 31, 2000

the living comes
to meet the dead
past to relive
petition for knowledge
prayer as supplication

the dead comes
to meet the living
past to retake
principalities at play
perdition as life

wonderland

"We'll face unafraid all the plans that we've made..."

I'll admit. I've been listening to Christmas music early this year. There's so much good out there, it is hard to squeeze it all into one month. Christmas music, truly, is appropriate all year round- at least, most of us could do with the message year 'round- but you've got to be pretty hard core to listen to Jingle Bell Rock in July.

Me? I started mid-November. I'd label myself "eager," but not hard core.

One song in particular has impacted me in a whole new way this year. And I am approaching it as if I've never heard it before. Why? Because of the quotation above: "we'll face unafraid all the plans that we've made."

I think that's a powerful statement.
And for some reason, I've never heard it before. I mean, I have. We all have. Winter Wonderland is a pretty basic carol; one I would say that most of us are familiar with. But I've not noticed it the way I do this year.

It is a statement that radiates confidence-
there will be fearless confrontation of life.
It's fierce, proactive.
That's the motto I want for my life.
That's a motto I want to be worthy of-

Dare I say that's the motto of our President-elect?
(Whether you like him or not, I think we all can agree that he plans to confront change for America; and he's pretty confident about that.)

It is a motto appropriate for those who walk in faith: plans are made and you'll face them, but unafraid; because there is a Higher Power in charge of fate.

Imagine if that were all our motto: people facing life, unafraid.
Our world would become a wonderland.

And if I can master it, if I can embrace a fearless confrontation of life- that is what I would be living in, a wonderland.

untitled

I am a wretch,
a woman who loved
Too strong- too soon.
My heart,
It bleeds.
My mind,
It's fixed.
It denies being retrained.
Alone it seems
For me to be.
I wallow long
To drown in the dark,
THE PIT.
And my song?
It is squelched-
With my lark.

Written July 11, 1998

what a day

What a very crazy full day!

I could have left a zillion different status reports, but where to begin? So, I decided to write a note. This day deserves that much-

1. Woke up feeling sore; but that's good, because I got to work out yesterday. And that's good because I was a member of BIP which most of you know is no longer, but now I am a member at Gold's because they are honoring contracts- AND THAT'S AMAZING!!

2. Woke up to a talking baby- did I mention that he was a non-stop-talking baby. And that's good- because just a year ago, he wasn't doing so much talking.

3. Had a 30 review with my boss; and that went really well. I am happy.

4. Went back to the gym and my muscles were screaming; but afterwards they were groovy. And I felt limber.

5. Made a phone call in the car and noticed that it was snowing. I looked up and saw a big, gray cloud and a bunch of blue sky and sunshine- AMAZING.

6. I got the opportunity to make sure that Rand's old things were going to be used by people who need them. I love that feeling. If you have any baby items that you aren't using call "A Heart's Cry" and donate them to women in need.

7. I finished a letter of recommendation. I was flattered to be asked. Stressed because I wanted it to be good. Freaked out because I had a deadline. And satisfied with the outcome. That letter rocked! It has been sent and I feel like a student who has a load off- not to mention the assurance that the letter made it thanks to the technology of email.

8. I got this AWESOME, AWESOME Sandra-Bullock-in-the-Lakehouse haircut that is crazy-cool and amazing. Just imagine bangs and layers everywhere. Am lovin' it. And I can still rock the hat! Am am planning to add crazy-color (maybe green?) this weekend?

9. I got to run around with my baby and make him feel loved. And he told me he loved me.

10. I hit 101010 on my odometer.

11. McD's for dinner! I'm lovin' it.

12. Rand's toy from the Happy Meal sang, "I like to move it, move it." So I had a good excuse to shake my groove thing in the middle of K-Mart.

13. K-Mart was having a sale in the grocery section: 40% off some items....'nuff said.

14. Got a call from a fabulous friend while I was groovin' and shoppin' at the Big K. Couldn't go hang, but was so happy to be called. I felt loved.

15. I made a new mix tape of Jason Mraz songs- ones that I've had to gather from the here and there. And that has been my soundtrack today.

"Let's face unafraid all the plans that we made...."

they were my words...

She took my words, my words, and made them someone else's.

There was no warning- no request.
It just was.

She has power over me and I understand that; but I was under the assumption that taking someone else's words without permission was still a no-go-zone.

Anytime.
Period.

I feel robbed.
I feel sad.

My words are printed in black and white for all to read with someone else's name under them. I struggle for the feeling of excitement: my words were chosen to be printed! That should be amazing! I should be celebrating! But I can't take credit and I can't publicly celebrate, because they aren't my words: they are my-words-turned-her-words.

I'm mad.
And I don't want to give her any more of my words- ever!

just wondering...

I was just wondering how much we influence each other. How am I different because of the people I've kept close; how am I different because of those I've left behind. And how am I different because of the ghosts that follow me?

If you and I had continued to be friends-
Would we be better for the continued investment in each other's lives?
I would like to think that we would be better- not worse. That we would have kept each other accountable in a way that no one else in the world could do-

That our connection and devotion to each other would have spilled out to touch other lives. And that they too would be the better for it.

I'm in a reminiscent mood; and not really interested in that admonishing voice warning against the "what if" game being a waste of time.

I was just wondering- what do you think?

tragic flawS

Would you just give me a break?! We all have tragic flaws; and I certainly don't pick on yours~

I admit.
I have them.
Plural.
Bad ones!
Ones that can sometimes be all-encompassing.

They are meant to balance the overwhelming endearing Latina passion and enthusiasm that flows through my being. You can't encase all that positive spirit without a price.

So leave me alone.
I gave up perfection a long time ago.
I've settled for surviving- embracing the balance that makes me...me.

And beware! Those flaws can rear their ugly heads at any time.
Understand that it won't last forever. They haven't taken over- not yet.
And in those moments know that I'm sorry- for your sake- that you've chosen to be my friend.

i am so sorry

Izzie, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry that it didn't work.

I thought it was a good idea. I wanted it to work. Burning the sweater- a great idea! You even mustered up the courage to ask Alex for help- three cheers for you. I was holding my breath. If it worked, then I would gather my strength and courage too-

But it didn't.
We were on the precipice of answers, but there were none when we got on the other side.

And now it seems that you are headed for ruin. Because you talked back: and now you can feel. And for you, it's real.

I mourn for you.
I am jealous of you.
And while I watch, I will snuggle with my own sweater of the past; since burning doesn't seem to be a good idea.

why I love him so much

I know you guys think I am obsessive at times. And I don't disagree. Believe me, I know that I go overboard sometimes.

But this is part of the reason why I love Jason Mraz so much- just read this:

I'm not the person you want to meet. The music is. And the music is alive in you as much as it is in me. We created it together. Therefore, you already know me. We've already hugged and kissed. We grew close for a moment and then said our goodbyes.

It took my breath away.

The clouds of potential thought are heavy today. It feels like rain. I fear what would happen if I identified too strongly with one of those clouds. To do so would be to let my mind stop me from having a good time. And so, I take cover under the umbrella of the Tao Te Ching.

Truly:
Being and non-being are born of each other,
Difficulty and ease form one another,
Long and short mutually define,
High and Low to each other incline,
Tone and voice as one align,
Front and back each other bind.

-Lao Tzu, translated by Patrick Byrne

It takes a crane to build a crane.
Thanks for building me.

I love his words.
I love how he puts them together.
I want to be able to do that.

why am I in the kitchen?

She just walked into the kitchen. The problem is, she can't remember why. It was just in her mind- something important. Frustration washes over her. She feels like she is slipping. She can't hold onto things: ideas, memories, tasks. They pop into her mind; and then they are gone. Plucked like ripe cherries from laden trees; evil deeds by greedy ravens.

She stands in the kitchen surveying the view. She thinks, maybe if she sees something it will spark some thought. But even as she turns her head from the cabinets to the table, she feels her eyes glazing over. She's lost control. What am I doing in the kitchen, she thinks. She shakes herself a bit a walks out.

What she doesn't see is the wraithe-like figure behind her.
What she doesn't feel are its long, bony fingers piercing her skull and swirling her brain. Its dusty-brown, dead fingers swirl through her head as if it desires to create an intellectual froth from which to drink deeply. And it wins. The longer she fights to control her thoughts, the more it can feed.

It will only stay with this one a little longer. She was strong at first: thoughtful, busy; but focused. Lately, she is tired and broken. There is not much fight left, and soon there will not be much left to fill its belly.

Sad that.
Sad for it.
Devastating for her.

CREEPY

"Walking On Air"
song by Kerli

There's a little creepy house
In a little creepy place
Little creepy town
In a little creepy world
Little creepy girl
With her little creepy face
Saying funny things that you have never heard

Do you know what it's all about
Are you brave enough to figure out
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts

She has a little creepy cat
And a little creepy bat
Little rocking chair and an old blue hat
That little creepy girl
Oh she loves to sing
She has a little gift
An amazing thing
With her little funny eyes of hazel
With her little funny old blue hat
She will go and set the world on fire
No one ever thought she could do that

You know that I love you, go on...

Feel it, Breathe it, Believe it
And you'll be walking on air
Go try, Go fly, So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this
Unless you kill me
Go on
And you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air

I like the idea of setting the world on fire. The hard part about that is leaving my doubts. There are moments of release, but never a total surrender. Kerli suggests that you have to be brave, to be strong. To feel, to breath it- BELIEVE it. SO, I have to claim my independence from my doubts; and in so doing, I would be free to impact my world in a whole new way. I would be walking on air.