Note: This post is intended for mature readers regardless of age.
We were snuggled on the couch; two people suspended in a happy-quicksand moment of beer and live music, and shared company.
I was soaking in your warmth, the solid feeling of your body so close to mine, the acceptance that comes along with being familiarly close with someone I appreciate and who I believe appreciates me.
It was a moment of peace.
A moment of being absolutely 100% in the present…and happy.
We have a history, but it is left mostly untouched. There’s no reliving the moment, only tentative comments from both us every now and then.
As if we’re asking each other, “Did that really happen? Did we really do that?”
And the answer is yes.
But, we don’t explore much past the affirmative.
We journey forward in a friendly manner. Supporting each other as best we can from our different places in life. It’s a kind caring; a mutual kind of encouragement for each other.
A very human love.
“Aw, you guys are so cute together.”
She was loud, brash…and drunk.
She invaded our space with her assumption, with her challenge.
“Um, we’re not actually together.”
Maybe, that’s not what I should have said.
She became angry, almost insulted that I had denied such an obvious fact.
“What do you mean you’re not together?! Why not? I can tell that you like him.”
I didn’t realize that my “we’re not together” could be translated into “I don’t like him.” I reminded myself she was drunk. I reminded myself that it didn’t matter what she thought”
“You’re a fucking coward.”
Oh. Well. That is true on so many levels, but I decided it wasn’t really prudent to start down that path of conversation with a drunk woman who just seemed to want the fairy tale to make sense in her head.
I couldn’t blame her for that.
We all want the fairy tale to make sense in our heads.
Unfortunately, reality isn’t the fairy tale we want for our lives.
It doesn’t really give us the neatly tied package of happily ever after. It gives us struggle after struggle to battle, to do our best to overcome.
Our happily ever after, should we choose to accept it, is an endless process of fight-and-win.
And tonight, I wasn’t fighting. Nor was I winning.
I was sitting in a non-moment, in a time-out.
I was “just being” on the couch close to you.
And it seems, my reality was calling me out…again.