She said: “If I didn’t know you better, I would think that you’re starting to soften up with him.”

Ugh.

I suppose I should just start expecting that people will think what they’re going to think. And I need to get over it. I don’t want to spend my time explaining myself. I would rather learn and grow from this experience: laugh at the funny parts, learn from the hard parts, and sure, cry a bit when the going gets tough.

But, I don’t want to continually have to convince people that nothing’s going on between us.

Of course something’s going on: we’re living together!
That’s plenty of something.

Add to that the fact that we’re raising a child together, and you’ll understand that there are all sorts of shenanigans a-goin’ on.

But romance?
No.

I don’t have it in me to give him another chance.
He sucked me dry of the well-spring of second-chances that lived in my heart. I’ve learned through many unfulfilled experience not to expect a “happily-ever-after” in this situation.

And let’s be honest…
Even now, there are opportunities for him to try and woo me back. If he wanted me back so badly, wouldn’t he try?

Believe me when I say, he doesn’t take advantage of them.

And, every day that goes by, I am even more sure of my decision to not continue our marriage. There’s only stagnation and hopeless rot here. It’s still sad. But I also acknowledge that I am not the kind of person for whom it will ever stop being sad.

That doesn’t mean it will hold me back from new adventures; it just means that I will always have a sad place in my heart for the promise I broke, for the promise he broke.

I’m learning that my heart is like a library.
There are many shelves with spaces for many tales.

This tale, the one he and I share, is kinda like a multi-volumed work. We’ll see many evolutions and adventures together…because, we’re family. Our broken promise will never change that fact.

——

I didn’t say any of this to her.
What I said was: “Well, it’s a good thing you know me better than that.”